As I lay down to sleep at night, the same thought always goes through my head. I wonder what I will dream of tonight. I also think about what I want to dream of that night. Will I wake in a cold sweet from fear? Will I not want to wake but to leave the beauty of the perfect place found only in my mind? I do find a fear in my mind every almost every not wanting to sleep for the fear may still come. No matter what I am thinking of before I sleep, I always hear a voice telling me not to worry, that it will be OK.
My eldest brother is that voice. I have little good that has been said about him in my life. In my life we have rivaled at all times for all reasons about all things. He says little good about me, and I say little about him. He is first to blame me for my short comings and I am the first point out his. We will always find a way to make things worse for each-other. Why do we do this? What started this unreasonable and non-founded rivalry between brothers that care so much about each-other?
I thought a lot about what good could be said about my eldest and what he has done for me and so very little came to mind. I think that it is what he did to me that needs to be focused on. Yes he was a jerk. I would have to say that he did whatever he could do to torment me in my everyday to day life. When matters of pain and torment didn’t work he just hit me. This is what I remember growing up with my big brother. Let me tell you that I didn’t just take it in quite and bottle it inside. That is far from the truth. I would spend my time finding ways to do things back to him. I would break his things on “accident” at least as far as our parents were concerned. That last part is what mattered. To destroy without getting in too much trouble was a ever well used talent of my childhood. For every bump, cut, and bruise there was a NEC part, model, or Garfield to take my revenge upon
Although our relationship has always and remains that of brothers in hot tempered rivalry, I would be a fool not to notice the traits that I love him dearly for. He has had the hardest time learning in school out of the three of us and had to push himself through everything he did. He has never given up. I can not say that of myself. Times get hard and there goes another school. He plays music so well that I find myself amazed that anyone I knew would do so well at any instrument much less my brother. Not only the one instrument, but he plays many, and he plays them well. I always had trouble with the one. His ability to stay with something and make himself the best he can be at it will always impress and encourage me in my own life. He wanted to take pictures and through thick and thin has never given that up. He has done everything to finish school. With the help of his amazing wife, he has sacrificed, struggled, and even begged for what he needed to get to the point that he can now call himself a professional photographer. His pictures are amazing, although I do not own one myself, I wish I did. He not only knew what he wanted to do he did what it took to do it, he applied himself to get it done, and did everything in his power to make himself the best he could be at it
He represents strength and will. Out of the three of us he is the one I look for that form of protective ability that only his strength in physical and compassion can show. He is a man that loves and provides for his family. Maybe not completely in the money department yet, but you can tell his family loves him, and that they love what he does. You can see it in either of his daughters eyes when he walks in the room. You can hear it in the voice of his wife when he calls as well as in her eyes when she sees that he is near. This is a man to admire. No matter the past or what I might have held against him I admire and love him for all the good he has done.
He protected me against others, telling me once that he was the only one aloud to beat me up. He has been there for me in the background, so not to let it show that he cares. Although controlling, it seems that he is more compassionate then he will ever let on. When we were younger we shared a room. In my fathers perpetual modification and redecorating of our room, I remember that at one time the beds, though apart, they crossed past each other. It is due to this that we were able to talk at night since the heads of our beds were in such a way to whisper and not be heard outside the room. I had started having trouble sleeping at night and on one particular night, after a scary movie, I could not sleep. I remember turning over and expressing my fear to my oldest brother, who I expected to tell me to get over it and no more. His response was simple, saying “you dream of the last thing you think of, so think of something nice and go to sleep” before he himself went to sleep. It is this that I hear in my head every night that I am having trouble sleeping. This piece of advice that has carried with me to my adult life, and that I will never forget about. This is my brothers strongest mark in my mind, and through all the bad and the conflict in our lives, the memory that will always come first is one of caring and selfless help. One of love, One of protection.