Monthly Archives: March 2013

Getting Close

I weighed in at 246.8 this morning. This really is nerve racking to me. I got to 245 last fall, before the surgery. That is the smallest I have been since sometime ten years earlier when I passed it going to other direction. Everything until 245 is making up what I put back on, then everything starts showing to me that I am making worthwhile changes. Really looking forward to being about to say that I not only made the 15 lb mark from when we started, but that I kept moving beyond it.

I wanted to point out my weight back and forth, because it was pointed out to me at some point that I talk about two different starting points. I want to quickly clarify, although I don’t know how long ago I talked about the other. When I first recognized I had an issue with my weight was in 2004. I weighed in at just over 280 lb, but it was my waist line that made me think about it. I got up and couldn’t put my pants on and realized I had to get new cloths in size 40-42 waist and XXL shirt. Since then I have gone up and down with this issue and I know that I weighed close to 280 at the beginning of last year when I started working out and eating less, but I didn’t ever weigh-in at that. The first time I bought a scale and weighed myself was almost six months later in August, when I decided to get serious about it and start blogging about it and tracking myself and all. So, while I don’t really know the actual starting weight at the beginning of last year, I assume my biggest weight, of 280, as where I started in the big picture, but my weight ticker and weigh in loss and so on is based on my first weigh-in in August last year, which was 260.

Moving on from that; I started working out again yesterday. I know, it has been two weeks and I should have started a week ago. I couldn’t for that first week, then I just didn’t this week. I don’t have anyone in my ear everyday telling me to do it, and it is easy to listen to that voice in my head telling me to start watching Mad Men instead of spending 10 minutes on my bike and an hour walking. That is the biggest part of all of this is telling that voice to shut up and get out there. Yesterday I did get out and ride my bike. I didn’t walk because it was already gloomy and every source was giving a chance of rain, so I didn’t want to be out there walking, but the rain never did come, and I never walked.

The bike ride alone was worth while. I planned out a path for me to ride the bike though. I went 2k yesterday. I do feel like I cheated and I think I am going to reverse the path starting today though. The path is around a small neighborhood near my apartments. Nice houses, secluded, good pavement, little traffic. I use it for my walks because of the nature of the inclines. The far ends are at drastically different inclines, but one way around is a steady incline, while the other is steep. So when walking I can go down the steep and up the steady and keep a good pace without hurting myself while still getting a good workout. The problem with doing this on my bike is that I don’t really get much out of it. After the slow incline I can cruise on level pavement to the steep incline which then gives me momentum to get up the steady incline pretty easy. Not much of a workout for me so much as wear on my tires really. Today I am going to walk, then I am going to go the opposite direction on my bike. I think an easy ride around where I still need to pedal a little to a steep incline I can’t build speed for would be good for me.

I think I have just been scared to walk. It’s that I just keep hurting myself while walking, and I hate being stuck not doing anything because I pushed myself to go that extra 1k because I was feeling good at the moment. I think the only way to solve that is to set a number and walk that, whether I am feeling it or not. tonight I am setting 2k walk and 3k cycle. I won’t go farther if I am feeling like I. I will stop only if my back is numbing or hurting. I need to also learn to allow myself a break. If I’m hurting or out of breath, I don’t need to necessarily stop the workout, maybe I just need to pause and sit on the curb a few minutes. I never allow myself to do that, then when I get home and feel better five minutes later, I tell myself that I am already home now, no reason to go back out. I am not going to feel better about working out until I start really breaking a sweat again, and giving up isn’t going to get me there. So, I am changing my numbers, a 2k walk and 5k cycle today, with plenty allowed breaks and a little more faith in me, and of course I will call it off as soon as I start feeling any numbness or pain in my back. I will also be doing the cycling around the lake. The path around it is just over 5k and then a little distance to and from my place.

I feel better now that I have written it down. Some reason saying I am going to do these things to the complete strangers not reading this stuff, makes me stick to them more.

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Posted by on March 29, 2013 in Weight



Little disappointed today. I weighed in at 253 this morning. I am not to discouraged, as I have said before there is a yoyo effect to this that I can not explain. I am not a doctor or nutritionist, but know enough to keep up what I’m doing and not let the scale change my plans or get me down.

I am much happier with my diet now. I can’t say my kids are as much. My oldest is okay with a large variety of foods, so when I said we were having a large salad and a fruit side for dinner last night, he was fine with it. The youngest on the other hand, threw his head back and acted like the end of the world was coming just for him. Told me he would only eat a salad if it was only lettuce and ranch, and only if he could eat something good with it or afterwards. When I explained that the salad was dinner, and there wasn’t anything to eat afterwards, he got a little out of control. Told me “well I’m just going to go to bed without eating then,” I told him that was fine but that’s what we are having for dinner. What I got from him was, “you are going to let me not eat dinner?” To that I said “sure, your old enough to know when you need to eat, but this is what we have to eat. If you eat in now or later when you get hungry, this is what we have.”

I guess he knows how stubborn his dad is, because with a quick compromise for me to take the tomatoes out of his, he was suddenly willing to eat. He didn’t finish it, and I did see him sneak a cookie that I didn’t say anything about, but I think it is at least a start. If he thinks the salad was bad to get use to, he will be surprised when I start making things that include cooking that has no meat involved. Really that is all he cares about. He’s like me, and he has eaten like me for a long time. He cares about what kind of meat and how much cheese is on it, if not that then how much sugar or chocolate. I don’t fault him, if I was typing this two years ago, that would be exactly the view-point coming from me.

But getting back to my point before the side note about the youngest, I have gained a few pound, but I am not worried about it. All I have eaten since the weigh in of 246 has been salads, yogurt, fruit, juice, and water. Oh, my daily allowed Dr. Peppers, and the occasional pretzel rod when I feel a little hungry at work. I have to guess this increase in weight has more to it than I am aware of. Increase of water intake, something about taking on weight from the foods I’m eating and my body hasn’t adjusted to me eating this way, hell I don’t know the correct answer, or even what the correct question is. I am just not going to deter myself unless the weight continues a steady increase instead of a decrease. After all, if I do nothing else but eat salad and yogurt, with a fruit at each meal, instead of the pizza, hamburgers and fast food I was eating, I should lose something, right? At the very least start to feel better. Right now I feel horrible and have just started getting use to the food, I’m still hoping for the feeling to get better.

Really the best way for me to describe how I am feeling, now that I am in week two of this change in diet, is like I did last year when I quit smoking. Yesterday I got hungry after dinner, so I ate a yogurt and got a glass of apple juice, and the feeling didn’t go away or even get better. It isn’t that I am hungry, it’s that the yogurt wasn’t red meat covered in five kinds of cheese, washed down with a Dr. Pepper. I am at a point now that I am not sure if it’s my body or mind wanting something. I can tell you what my mind wants right now is some BBQ fried chicken covered in honey, a double bacon cheese burger and fries from the local diner, and some peppermint ice cream. In 50 minutes, I will clock out from my job, pick up my kids, and we will be eating…vegitable soup, side of oranges, with cranberry juice, followed by a mile walk and watching them eating the cookie they get as a reward for putting up with their dad forcing them to eat this way.

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Posted by on March 27, 2013 in Weight



My Slip

Well I knew it was going to happen at some point, at least in the back of my mind I knew it, but I didn’t know it was going to be so pathetic. The meds I take to help me sleep sometimes increase that desire to eat. Last night I took my meds and decided to finish a show I was watching before going to bed. At some point I decided I was hungry, now this is what I bought the yogurt and fruit for. I don’t remember everything clearly, but I know that I got a bag of chips and the salsa from the fridge, I couldn’t find a bowl, so I filled a cup with salsa and went back to my chair. That’s what I remember of the whole thing, and then I remember waking up an hour or so later and I had spilt salsa on my shirt and lap and my hand had salsa all over it from putting it in the cup to dip chips. I got up and cleaned my self up and changed clothes and went to bed.

Now I am left with questions I will get answers to later today. How much salsa did I eat? How many chips did I eat? Did I ruin any clothes?

The only things I am sure about is that I did it and shouldn’t have. I woke up this morning with the taste of stale salsa on my breath and chips in my teeth, and I feel so bad, and embarrassed, about it that I am having trouble even typing this out. In fact that’s all I can say right now.

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Posted by on March 26, 2013 in Weight


Shame, and so much more….

This is a subject relating to weight that I have wanted to talk about for a long time. It’s the shame, depression, uselessness and self hatred that comes along with being over weight. First off, I have always heard how women live with this, but I don’t hear much about men. As a man, I can say we live with it to, or at least I do. Maybe we put on a better show on the outside for not caring, but we care, it’s just more when no one is looking. There feels like a standard that I am just not meeting. I’m single and I get a lot of rejections because of my weight, their friends having to be the one to break down and tell me because the girl doesn’t know how to. If I was in better shape, It wouldn’t be easier to get that date, and even if I am in better shape, I can’t live up to the “perfect guy” that women talk about and rate with their friends. My current goal doesn’t even bring me near what I would have to be to get to that, and even then to get to that weight, there is a good chance that even with perfect muscles that it could take years for my body to adjust and tone, because of the extra skin that its taking to cover me in my heavier state.

You might be thinking right now that I should just talk to my friends. My friends break down into four types right now.

  1. Those that are not in shape, fat even, and don’t seem to care or plan to do something about it
  2. Those that are not in shape, fat even, and say they are doing something but what they are doing, which they insist is the only way to lose weight, isn’t working, or qualifies as a quick fix that doesn’t last
  3. Those that are not in shape and are able to really work out and diet and are way out of my league in working out
  4. People that are in shape and don’t seem to relate to me at all on this.

Even if I have friends that are struggling in some way, they all seem to be in one of these four categories. Here are the problems with these four. They don’t seem to relate to me. The first two are the worst actually. Type 1 being the worse and lest helpful, these are the friends that hear you are trying to diet and ask you why and offer you a candy bar. They can really just be jerks about it, they have for whatever reason seemed to give up, at least on the outside, and they now push their lifestyle on you when you are making an effort to change yours. The second are people like some of my family members more so than too many friends that I have. While supportive of me doing this all, they insist that I can never eat chocolate again, or that everything must me lite, diet or fat-free or I will fail, that I must do the weight watchers plan because they are the only diet that really ever works, and so on. See, I don’t need all this kind of advice. I am making life changes here and while I am eating healthier, and I do appreciate advice, I am not planning to cut out everything I like and all fat from my life just because I am not eating pizza and walking more each day. I’m changing my diet, not going on a diet, if you understand the difference.

The second two are just as bad but for a different reason. It’s like you’re talking to someone who jogs a 5k on the treadmill every morning about how you were able to walk 1k without your ankles swelling up. You just don’t feel like you are relating on a level that they understand, and then they want to compare, or at least talk about their work out too, and it just makes what I’m doing seem so small. Then comparing diets just seems as bad. Trying to talk to someone who eats healthy and able to control themselves with their eating habits about how you were about to get through a week without a pizza binge, they just don’t relate to it and have nothing to really say to you about it.

Now it might be that I am just seeing it this way, but when you are struggling with this, It does seem like you are alone and that there is little you can do to get outside help. Of course it isn’t all about relating and getting friends to help you, there is two big parts that make it even harder than you can imagine, and oddly the first one makes it hard but motivates you at the same time.

I am talking of course about shame. Really its shame and fear, which kind of go together. I have never been a big eater, I just don’t eat things that are good for me. I can’t tell you how it feels when you are with a group of people and you order something small, or just the salad, or you don’t finish your plate. People look at you with a puzzled look, like why is fatty not eating more, is he embarrassed to eat as much as he wants to in front of us, or is he eating healthy to make him self look better, or even, did he eat so much before getting here so he could order something smaller. It doesn’t matter if any of this is going through anyones mind, it’s going through mine for them. There is a look, any over weight person that has ordered a smaller meal in a group knows that look. Then the real humiliation, being told that I can order anything I want, it’s really no big deal. As if I am not ordering the amount I can eat to save them money or to look better in front of them, and they are giving me the go ahead and insuring me that they don’t mind either way. The fat man can order the menu if he needs to, we understand. While feeling shame and hurt when this happens when I am doing exactly that, it is ten times worse 90% of the time because I am not doing that at all. I just eat less than most expect me to because of my weight, always have.

Shame and fear of it don’t end at the dinner table. Try as part of the workout. Going to a gym is out of the question. I even have free access to a gym at the university I work at. There is no more terrifying thought than walking into a gym where you feel that everyone is looking at you while you work out. You can tell yourself that they aren’t, and everyone else can say that they aren’t, but I know they are. I know they aren’t, but I can’t convince myself of that when I am in the gym. Not only are people looking at me, but they are judging me, because most of the times I’ve been to the gym, I am the biggest guy there, and it doesn’t help working on a university, when even in the staff gym, there are all sorts of students working or training, or so on. This is the main reason I work out mostly by walking or cycling outdoors around where I live. It’s not always a lot better. I walk around this lake and boy are there a lot of people out there walking sometimes. I’m out there in these old stained t-shirts and running pants and feel like the token fat slob they add to comedy movies. Don’t think riding my bike helps any. Do I feel stupid every time I ride that thing. I know that I can’t look as dumb as I feel, but I feel like I am the only one out there doing it the wrong way.

Most of this leads to depression and the feeling of uselessness. Depression not only doesn’t help keep you going and motivated, it makes you lose what little you had to start with. I will sometimes wake up in the morning and just wonder why I try, I’m never going to make it, I’m never going to make my goal, so why not just face it and give up. At least then I could eat what I want and not have to worry so damn much. Why do I need to walk 5 miles, or cycle 10? I haven’t needed to up to this point in life, as long as I can get to my car, isn’t that as far as I really need to be able to get? This depression can kill you, make you not want to get out of bed. I have gotten bad enough that if I do get out of bed, its to lay on the couch. Even considered spending money I didn’t have at one point to buy a tv and streaming box for my bedroom so I wouldn’t have as many reasons to leave it. You are burning no fat, and not being active at all, when you aren’t getting out of bed.

The feeling of uselessness really comes in during depression, as well as to cause it as well. Pretty much, I am limited by what I can do and how much I can do because of my weight, as well as my shape. A lot of times I will just think about things that I can’t do that someone might want me to do and I get depressed and this feeling like I am useless because I can’t do that thing I made up. Last night, after shopping, I made the kids unload the groceries, not because it was one of their chores, but because I was hurting and knew I couldn’t. Then I sat there why they unloaded my car feeling like a worthless prick for putting that on my kids. They had to be unloaded, and I know that I couldn’t do that, and I still feel pretty bad about that. They deserve a father that can pull his own weight at the house, not a father that fills up more space with the dead weight he added to himself.

All of this is actually just small examples of how I feel everyday. I struggle and hurt, both emotionally and physically, to try to change who I am. It is important for me to get this stuff out, and I don’t even feel like there is someone for me to talk to about any of this, so I write in this blog to get it. I use this as my daily motivation, a place to go everyday and share a new subject, or something I am excited to talk about. I guess this is my way of feeling less alone, and if you are reading this, thank you, and if you are feeling this way too, I hope you find your way to feel less alone.

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Posted by on March 25, 2013 in Weight


All I Think About is Food

Today I weighed in at 248.6, yes more of that yoyo, but making it worse, yesterday I weighed in at 246.6. It’s fine, now I am just happy with staying under 250. I did not get to do any real exercising all last week because of pain and then soreness, but I did stay active, and last weekend I was more active than normal, I took the boys to the mall, then to several large stores.

Chocolate RoseOver this last weekend, one thing I did do was to cheat on my diet. Now I’m torn on this one really. Is it that I cheated, or that I am just making this all way to strict on myself. I had pizza with the family Friday night, then Saturday while in the city, one of my boys picked lunch, and we ate McDonald’s. The question at the time was how to deal with this, without cheating on my diet. The simple answer is the one I took, that I am not on a set diet, but a plan to change how I eat, and a slice of pizza or some nuggets weren’t going to kill me. I think the import thing I came up with, was that I needed to remember self-control and not eat half a pizza on my own, but just eat as much as I need to be full. I did the same at McDonald’s, I ordered something a little healthier and only enough to fill myself up. I think the trick here is to eat what I need not what I want, because there is a certain point where I start over eating because I start eating for taste and so that I not just fill full to get through to the next meal, but full like there won’t be a next meal. Although I do still plan to avoid these foods as much as I can, I know that I can’t avoid them completely. While I am trying to change the way I eat, I do have need to think about the fact that there will be times that I will be faced with eating outside that and how to control myself in those situations. Things like, family dinners, work functions, and when someone invites you out to eat. I don’t want food to control how I lead my life, but I need to figure out how I am eating in those situations to not reverse what I am working on.

Iceberg LettuceNow for home. I am still eating my salads, and I am actually liking them more. I also made a little progress with my parents. They invite me to dinner a lot and I have been having to turn them down, because I didn’t feel they understood how I am trying to eat. My solution this last week was simple. I called and said I was coming for dinner, but I was bringing the dinner myself. I grabbed three of my measured dinner salads and three bottles of water, and headed to their house. I explained that this was now a typical dinner at my house and wanted them to experience it with me. My parents are very open and supportive, so they were happy to eat my salads, and really enjoyed them, well at least after my dad picked out all the turkey which he doesn’t like for some reason. This not only made me feel a lot better to knowing my family has a better idea of how I am trying to eat, and there for will be more willing to fix me plates when inviting me out to eat that are closer to this kind of foods, but their open support and even excitement about it helped me a lot. Now if I can just get my kids to eat this way.

Along those lines, lets talk about my first trip to the grocery store, to buy all the groceries for the house, since I started this. I took the boys to buy groceries, and I have started trying to make them more aware of what they are eating and how much things cost by making them make the grocery list and helping with the shopping and paying. While shopping, I allowed them to get a few things that would be considered junk food, like I said before, I am not trying to change their world to healthy only over night. What I am more trying to do is teach them that healthy food can be good and those junk snacks can be better when only occasional treats. I let them get a bunch of stuff that I would normally fry or add oil too, but both them and me are going to be finding out how we like those foods baked, because the deep fryer is going is storage. They also got red meat, which I am not eating, but don’t mind making for them.

What I did get for me at the store was a lot of things to start expanding me from salad. While I am starting to get use to eating them, I will get really sick of them if they remain the only thing I eat, I did need some other options. Like I have said in the past, I got a bunch of soup. I think I got enough to feed all the homeless in my area for at least a month, but I do tend to over shop sometimes and canned soup isn’t expensive. Being that I don’t eat a lot of soup, I got a few of a bunch of different kinds, so that I could find ones that I like, and ones the boys like, so that I know which ones I want to go back for later. Unlike salad where I already had a basic idea of what I liked and just had to try out a few different pre made salads for a few days to figure out what I would be making on my own, soup is a completely different story. I know very little about soup. Therefore, I got a bunch of a bunch of kinds and can explore what everyone likes and dis likes.

YogurtThe biggest thing I had to get was snacks. I guess I didn’t realize how much I snacked between meals, until I stopped snacking between meals. While I am still not trying to snack much, I need something to have on hand when I feel like snacking. Again, I needed to find something that I am not used to eating that is healthy or healthier for me. I started out with yogurt. I don’t know much about yogurt, except that I haven’t liked it in the past, but I have decided that I have to not care and get some anyway. I call this my first line of snack offence. The second and finial line, just incase yogurt doesn’t fill me up, is the varies fresh and canned fruits I bought.

Now there is more than just snacking reasons for all the fruit I bought. I have been told that I should try adding some of my favorite fruits chopped up to my salad. I am told this taste great. The problem I have with this idea is that I add ranch to my salad, and I am not sure I will like the taste of a banana with ranch on it. But I am going to try it. I am going to try several things. I am going to start out with bananas, then chopped oranges, fruit cocktail, pineapple, apple, pears, and so one. I like a lot of fruit, so I am sure I can find one or two that I like in or with my salad eating experience. Who knows, maybe that is what I need to really start enjoying this change in my diet.

I do plan to start drinking more fruit juice and I even started buying juices that I know I have tried in the past and didn’t like and have since never tried since. Who knows, I might get use to them, or I might even like them now. These include orange juice, yes I know but I never have liked it, cranberry juice and red grape juice. I did get some that I do like so that I don’t just turn myself off juice in the process, like apple and white grape.

On the front of making changes to help push the boys to a healthier eating habits. I let them make the list and I bought what was on the list, but I made sure to pick up the “lite” versions when I could. I did make them pick out some healthier things that they didn’t have on the list, and I made them make a few substitutes, like getting yogurt, even if it is the sugar added kids yogurt. They were only allowed to pick out two 2 liter sodas for the month, then as much juice as the wanted. We bought a bunch of tea bags and a new drink dispenser, since I know they both like tea. Also, while the oldest already will drink water real well, I got some Kool-Aid singles to try to get the youngest to start drinking more too. Always open to more suggestions of course, although I am trying to ease them into it, almost as if it was their idea.No Pizza

Overall, I think the food part of my life is straightening out a lot better. With pizza banned from our grocery list, and me only buying stuff for me that is in a completely different turn from what I was eating, it is just hard for me to eat what I need to meet my daily requirements to maintain my current weight, which I think is great. If I do nothing else with exercise or staying more active, I should still see a slow drop in weight simply because I can physically eat enough to maintain this weight. That won’t be how I lose all my weight, just a point about what I have to eat at home. I don’t think that would be healthy, to eat less and not exercise to tone up the areas loosing.

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Posted by on March 25, 2013 in Weight


Making My Own Salad

Well my check in today is both exciting and lame. The exciting part is that I weighed in today at 148.0. That is awesome! I really love days when I weigh in a couple of pound lighter than the last check in. Being my lightest since surgery feels great and gives me that boost of hope I was looking for. I know this is all a yoyo process and I am likely to lose a little then gain some back and so on, but when I see that the yoyo has dropped a little farther than it has before, always makes me happy.

For exercising, I didn’t. I spent a good amount of time yesterday shopping and then gathering and moving laundry, I just was starting to feel like my back was beat before I got a chance to even put my track pants on. Although I am sure I walked at least a mile in that damn store, I know it doesn’t count, but it felt like it did.

Iceberg LettuceNow for today’s topic, making salad. As I have said, I have been buying pre-made salad. I found a lot of things I liked and a lot I didn’t. I havent just been eating them. I have been writing down the ones I like and writing down what is in those and in what portions. I went to the store yesterday and bought the supplies I needed to make three days worth, I got a little carried away and made more than I can eat in the time before they will start going bad, but that is ok, I will give a few to my parents who love salad, and make my kids eat a couple.

The ingredients I decided on, for these salads, were the following

  1. iceberg lettuce
  2. turkey
  3. ham
  4. eggs
  5. cheddar cheese
  6. bacon
  7. cherry tomatoes
  8. single serve ranch cups

peppered baconNow before anyone jumps at me about the bacon, I like bacon, I had some in the fridge, so I cooked it and crumbled it on my salads. comes out to about a slice per salad, so it isn’t that bad, and as the only person in the house that eats that bacon, It was going to go bad anyway.

Anyway, I bought some 5 cup Rubbermaid bowls with lids. I really wanted to get the 4 cup glass ones, but I can not afford those things.

The salad was pretty basic. I cooked all the bacon and boiled all the eggs. I crumbled all the bacon and all the eggs, without shells of course. I cut the lettuce up and put about three cups in the bowls, cut up the turkey and ham and put them on top of the lettuce, about three parts turkey to one part ham. Put a good amount of shredded cheese on top of that, then sprinkled on the eggs and bacon, and topped it off with 6 cherry tomatoes. I put a plastic fork and a serving cup of ranch in top of each and put the lid on. My own pre-made salads. 4 cup salads ready to go in a 5 cup bowl. I like having that room to mix it all up before I eat it.

I ate one for dinner last night and it was fantastic, as salads go. What I have to do now is to start introducing other veggies to it. I’m still not a great fan of the veggie, but I can see me adding sliced celery and brocoli to my salads. maybe a little shredded carrot. Now, I hate carrots, but I know I will need to get over that.

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Posted by on March 21, 2013 in General Post


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As an unusual second post today, I thought I would comment a little on motivations. You know, those things that make us do these things that make us healthier when it is so easy and more pleasurable to just not do them. My motivations are personal to me, and that is why they work for me. Despite on what I am going to say here, you need to find what motivates you and go with that.

My main motivation is my kids. I grew up with two great parents and a couple of decent brothers. I don’t know what went wrong, if we learned bad eating and exercise habits on our own, learned them from our family, have a genetic preposition to over eating bad foods, got caught up in societies views on fast food and bad eating habits or some other thing that I haven’t even thought of, but both my brothers, my mom and myself turned out to be bigger. I was a tiny when I was younger, my parents use to call me a short toothpick, but about the time each of use hit high school, we stopped growing up and started growing out, and that’s just how things were. Why think more into it, right.

Now, I never have thought of my mom as a bigger woman, she just has always been mom. She is a lot smaller now than she was in the 80’s, but she still has a little weight to her. Now for any family that might read this, I want to point out that my mother is a beautiful woman and most of my favorite pictures are of her. I am not putting her down for her weight, but I can’t deny the truth about it. While it’s never been an issue for my brothers, me and never seemed to be one for my dad, my mom has always been self concise about her weight and I’ve always just known that she thinks she’s too big and has always been trying one diet or another. I don’t know why they never work like she wants them to, nor am I here to criticise or form opinions on that. I am just painting the picture of where I am coming from.

So, now we have a family of our short and balding, but always in shape father, and his over weight family. You can judge us however you want, but as far as my dad, myself and my brothers are concerned, you can also jump off a bridge if you want and it won’t hurt us anymore than your judgments of us. This has always been my opinion. Yeah, I’m over weight and increasingly more out of shape, but so what, and why would you care? This is until about two years ago when I started realizing that one of my boys was starting to get into my behaviors and routine. Then one day my youngest pretended to smoke a cigarette like me. Then even one more blow when one of them told me he didn’t like veggies, so he didn’t want to eat them anymore, at first I thought this one was just a kid thing until he said if I didn’t then he shouldn’t have too.

It was at this point that I really started looking at myself in the mirror and looking at my weight and what I was eating. I figured out one day that I had walked a total of less than a quarter or a mile in an entire weekend. A normal person will walk at least that in any given work day. I started to hate my weight and the fact that I couldn’t do much because I was limited by the shape I was in, and I started to realize where my mom was coming from, but it must be so much worse for her as a woman. I knew I needed to make real changes, but I needed to do something that would have a real impact, not only on me and my weight, but to show an example to my boys so we could stop this family cycle.

Now last year I started that plan, but before it I quit smoking. That was a two-fold, the first thing was that I was starting to feel crummy after each cigarette, and I was coughing a lot. I didn’t even realize that it was effecting the boys, until my oldest came to me with a print out of a site explaining electric cigarettes. Told me he wanted me to quit and had researched alternatives and thought this would be the best one for me. Damn if I didn’t want to cry when I saw that. I already had been considering cutting back because of the health impact smoking was having on me, but that insured me not cutting back but straight quitting. August 2012 with my boys constant support and the help of switching to electric cigarettes, I smoked my last cigarette. Now I am almost done with the electric cigarettes, feel great and haven’t coughed since September 2012.

Some of the motivations that I didn’t speak of in too much detail for both smoking and my weight, were just points I had less to say about. Basically, some of my motivation came from shame and embarrassment. Shame for how hard it was for me to walk or exercise just small amounts because of the shape I was in and the weight I was carrying on me. Embarrassment about how I looks, how I smelled, how little I could do. When you walk into a party at a friend’s house, and you are the big guy that has to ask people to let you by and then you smell like smoke all the time, there is a certain amount of embarrassment about that. My final motivation was a selfish one. I hate people who are majorly overweight and don’t do anything about it. The person at walmart that waits forever for a close spot, then gets one of those wheelchair carts, all because they are big and don’t want to walk around the store. I am not talking about people with real conditions that need that, but they aren’t the majority of those doing it. Even people with real conditions, never seem to stop and think that being fat causes you to have some of those conditions. I don’t care if they exercise or not, but it wouldn’t kill you to park a little further away and walk around walmart, in fact it might be what starts to save your life. Well the point here is, I was starting to complain to others about my weight and wasn’t starting to do anything about it. BS, that’s when I really started. I’m not going to be one of those people who weigh three hundred pounds and can’t get out of their car and blame the car.

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Posted by on March 20, 2013 in General Post


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