Monthly Archives: October 2014


Our next stop on my train of depression that I want to talk about, in order to kick myself a little so to help to continue to motivate me more, is clothing. I would like to say this is about one type of clothing, but no. Let me apologize to anyone that reads this that does’t like the occasional curse here and there. I know I shouldn’t, but I type things as I think them, and there are a few things about this current subject that just brings that out in me, so ignore it or skip the next couple posts.

No, it couldn’t just be that my fucking shirts were getting a bit tight around the waist or that I needed to let my belt out a little. I first started noticing that maybe things with my diet and weight plan from the last year were going in a negative direction, when the belt I wear every day didn’t fit. Now I wear a cloth belt with a clasp, so there are not loops or hole to judge things by. Some days I wore the belt looser than others, so I was also use to the belt seeming to be a bit short, but I didn’t wear a belt for a few weeks during moving residence, because I lost my belt in a box somewhere, and when I found it and went to put it one, it didn’t fucking fit at all. I couldn’t get enough cloth into the buckle to make the clap close. That isn’t me feeling bloated or wearing a thick shirt, that is some extra fat came from somewhere and it is now attached to me, you stupid fat piece of shit.

Now I don’t mean to call me names, but I feel like I think of me that way, even though I don’t feel like that in real time.

Then my shirts, oh my shirts, my lovely old collection of shirts. I hoard shirts. I hold on to them as if they are made of gold. Probably because I remember what I paid for some of them and they might as well be made of gold. I have bought a good amount of clothing at thrift stores and gotten a few as gifts, but there are a lot that I paid store price for. I never worried much about it, I wore shirts that fit when I started the diet plan last year, and as I lost weight, I really liked my shirts being a little baggy, and no one seemed to mind around me, so why waste the money replacing any of them? I wouldn’t do that, no. In fact I liked how I looked in the slightly bigger shirts that I bought more shirts of the same size. Now when it comes to the t shirts of that size, I am still good. The material stretches a bit here and is loose a bit there, and it all kind of evens out, cause┬árayon and jersey knit are your friend! Remember that, they are your friend, if worn right, they can show every curve you want shown off and hide all the ones you don’t. When it comes to my other shirts, I am not so much happy. Buttons are evil! It would seem that I can’t button all my button up shirts anymore, and remember this is the size I was when I started the plan almost two years ago. I am bigger in size than then, and I hate myself for it. Still smaller in weight.

Last we come to my pants, and this may be my sore spot in all of this. I wore a size 36 pant coming out of high school, and I wore a size 36 for a really really long time. Marriage and desk jobs eventually got the best of me and I went up to a size 38, and I have been a size 38 for the majority of my adulthood. I only got big enough to buy one pair of size 40 pants once in my life. I bought the one pair and started this diet kick about the start of 2012. I almost immediately went back to a size 38. I even got down low enough at the end of summer in 2013 that I could fit in some of the more relaxed fit size 36 jeans I had around. Well that all use to be true, now I have been noticing that not only my belt was getting too small. The only pants I had that I even needed a belt for was those size 40 pants I bought in 2012, and now I was noticing that there was even some pants that I wasn’t wearing because they were getting a bit too tight. Because of a dress code change at work I decided I needed to have a couple pairs of new jeans, so I went to the store last night to buy the jeans. It was a depressing shopping trip. I wish I had just stayed home, but there is paint on the only jeans that I own that fit, so I needed to buy jeans. I decided to try on different sizes, and the size 40 pants was all that fit, and I couldn’t have been more pissed at me about it. I hate even the idea that I have to wear a size 40 jean now. The worst part of it, I am sitting here typing this wearing the new jeans, and I keep thinking how tight they are in places and now think I should go back and get a pair or two of relaxed fit in the same size for work. Fuck me!

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Posted by on October 31, 2014 in Weight


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So I am still trying to get in the habit of writing stuff down again. It really does help, but it will also be easier once my office at home is all set up and I have a comfortable place to sit and type, since I don’t always find the time at work.

Food is what is on my mind today. I did a good job last year at changing my diet completely and holding myself to it in order to loose weight. In the time between then and now I let that slip quite a bit. I have remained more aware of what I am eating and making sure to diversify the food I am eating, and not just eating crap everyday, but I didn’t stick completely to the diet. There is some blame I put on the fact that healthier food is just more expensive and harder to make. There is also some blame to put on me for not trying harder to find the other options as well. The biggest issue I find myself having is portion control though.

When I started this all in 2012 the doctor put me on these wonderful little pills that made me stop eating when I was full, sometimes before I was. Appetite suppressors work great to help you eat a correct portion of food, but as those went away I have found it easier to eat more than to stick with the amount that I should be eating. The urge to just have something to eat or to eat more is just so over whelming. I stopped buying junk snack food and easy high carb stuff, and now I find myself late at night looking in an almost full pantry thinking how we just have nothing to eat. I don’t want to cook something, nor do I need to be, and I don’t want to eat a can of peaches, I want a fucking cookie or some popcorn, something that tastes great, likely has ten things in it that are killing me and making my diet not work, and will make me feel better and like I ate something.

I feel discouraged weighing myself, know junk food in the house, I go to bed hungry and find myself doing more chores just to stay active and not think about food, and then I’ve gained weight and pants that fit last week don’t this week. I know that I am going through that same thing I went through last time I started this crap where your body adjusts to more water, change in diet and exercise and you put some weight on before losing. I am fully aware that some people do that and IT REALLY SUCKS!!! I just want to be able to stand up without feeling my body weight not putting pressure on my back and hip causing a sharp pain, or to talk to a girl I am attracted to without being convinced that she has no interest in return because of my weight. I want my fucking shirts to fit and not have to go to work wearing them unbuttoned with a clean t shirt underneath. That style went out of style when I was in high school for everyone except fat guys that can’t afford new cloths.

Anyway, got side tracked there a bit. I am working on the food thing. I am not focusing on switching to full healthy food like I did last time, cause that approach simply didn’t work. It worked, but I wasn’t able to sustain it, so it didn’t. I am trying some other options, like making large amounts of food I like at home. I know I like ham, instead of buying deli ham, I am buying half or whole ham, and I can cook it myself. That is just one example, but it is a good one cause it is something that is affordable, since it provides several meals, plus I have full control over the seasonings, how it is trimmed and so on. It isn’t a perfect solution and I need to work on portion control as well, but it is where I am starting.

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Posted by on October 30, 2014 in Food, Weight


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Exercise and Diet Updates

As I said in my last post, I want to try to not make this all about exercise and diet, but I will have to include a lot of that stuff since I also need to use this as a way to keep me going. With all that in mind lets review the last year.

If you were to read back, don’t though, no need to dwell on the past when I was more positive and you know, and making progress, you would see in comparison from my last reports on weight and the progress box from myfitnesspal on the left, you would notice that I have gained back a pound or twenty from where I started. Really this came from a three fold issue.

First being that I had to stop taking the diet assistance pills from the doctor. I had reached a point where they were no longer helping me to loose weight, but where only really helping maintaining where I was. I am not a doctor, but from my understanding, I was just getting use to them too quickly. The weight I lost, I was able to keep off long enough to get the growth in muscle and bone that I was needing to loose the weight medically for anyway, so there seemed little option but to take me off them and maybe try again another time.

Second really is simple and comes down to me not watching my food intake. Slipping back into the old habits of eating too much here or too much of this instead of this. I think the only reason I didn’t gain more back was because of all the work I did to expand my diet to include so much more healthy foods before that, which I have kept some of that up and made it truly part of my regular diet, just obviously not all of it. Worst of all has been bouncing from soda to no soda to diet soda to regular soda and back again. I know the soda is bad, I really like it though.

Third was my not working out as much. I have had several reason for why I stopped walking as much as I was, I could list them, ranging from not having the right shoes to moving to a house with less close by walking areas, but it comes down to me getting comfortable not doing it. When I finally did it I got a new pair of shoes that work great for me for about $20 and every neighborhood has sidewalks and safe ways to get to them, it doesn’t have to be a walking trail. I know I could list several more if I stopped to think about, but they are just more excuses and have no more credibility.

I have stayed healthier and tried to stay at an active level, and that is doing me good, but these are the three issues I really need to focus on again.

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Posted by on October 6, 2014 in General Post


Back but Unsure

Hi, I don’t know who could possibly be reading this, but if you are, hi all the same. It has been over a year since I posted anything here.

I have been gone, not because I didn’t enjoy posting on here, but because I didn’t know what to post more than anything. I never wanted to stick to this or that. The chaos part was part of the idea, that I could post here about anything I wanted to post about. A journal entry here, a product review there, a random quote there. I just needed an outlet to get things out of my head that I didn’t have to tell to anyone, so I wanted to just tell them to the possible person that might read it.

I guess it became too much about something to me. I focused so much on my health and my weight that I didn’t know how to get out of the spiral and just start posting about nothing again. Funny thing that happened though, is that I stopped doing any of what I was talking about when I stopped talking about it too.

I feel like I don’t have anyone to really talk to about the subjects of weight and health that I just loose sight of it in my little world. Everyone is so sensitive about their own view on their own weight and health that they don’t even want to talk about it, and I start feeling like those I am closest to and want to talk the most to about the subjects are the ones that I have to walk on egg shells about the subjects so I end up just closing myself off to them and end up just giving up. I am unfortunately the kind of person that needs some reinforcement that what I am doing and where I am going is on track and that I am doing good. I need that friendly pat on the back when I lose that pound or walk that extra quarter mile, or I stop watching the weight or walking. I guess it is some codependency on others, but I don’t know that it is fully, since I didn’t really get feedback on here, but still felt the same by just telling it to the ether and just getting it out. I guess if any professionals in counseling come across this they can tell me what a codependency solved from a form of talking to myself is called in the world of increasing disorders is, I might get a better grasp on why.

What is clear is that I need to get myself motivated again with all of it, and I also find that when I am not talking about anything, not just this stuff, but all of my daily bs, that I tend to be more irritable and depressed, and I just need an outlet, so I am going to try to start back on the blogs.

I thought a lot about getting rid of the past blogs and starting a new, but I decided against that. I feel that the past is where I messed up and got off track of what I wanted this to be for myself, but I heard someone say that if you are OCD about something, or just need things to be perfect, and I definitely am when it comes to things like this, that you need to allow yourself to mess up. I see a lot of my past on here as a mistake, some a unclear path of where I was going, some just a disorganization as I developed how I would eventually want to tag posts and keep them in some order. So, I am going to allow myself to mess up, and I am sure you will hear about it again at some point. I am also going to try and just get rid of this defeated, no one reads this and I am going to point that out every post thing I do. I am going to just start talking to the ether, I have readers, as far as I know, and I plan to just continue talking to them, and not be concerned with how many or if any. I do this for the possible reader so that I can get things off my mind, I am going to try to not be concerned with the actual reader, and I can’t tell you how much I want to go back and correct every time I did that now just so that won’t be in the past either. Allow myself to fail, allow myself to make mistakes.

Well more to come, updates good and bad needed.

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Posted by on October 6, 2014 in General Post