Our next stop on my train of depression that I want to talk about, in order to kick myself a little so to help to continue to motivate me more, is clothing. I would like to say this is about one type of clothing, but no. Let me apologize to anyone that reads this that does’t like the occasional curse here and there. I know I shouldn’t, but I type things as I think them, and there are a few things about this current subject that just brings that out in me, so ignore it or skip the next couple posts.
No, it couldn’t just be that my fucking shirts were getting a bit tight around the waist or that I needed to let my belt out a little. I first started noticing that maybe things with my diet and weight plan from the last year were going in a negative direction, when the belt I wear every day didn’t fit. Now I wear a cloth belt with a clasp, so there are not loops or hole to judge things by. Some days I wore the belt looser than others, so I was also use to the belt seeming to be a bit short, but I didn’t wear a belt for a few weeks during moving residence, because I lost my belt in a box somewhere, and when I found it and went to put it one, it didn’t fucking fit at all. I couldn’t get enough cloth into the buckle to make the clap close. That isn’t me feeling bloated or wearing a thick shirt, that is some extra fat came from somewhere and it is now attached to me, you stupid fat piece of shit.
Now I don’t mean to call me names, but I feel like I think of me that way, even though I don’t feel like that in real time.
Then my shirts, oh my shirts, my lovely old collection of shirts. I hoard shirts. I hold on to them as if they are made of gold. Probably because I remember what I paid for some of them and they might as well be made of gold. I have bought a good amount of clothing at thrift stores and gotten a few as gifts, but there are a lot that I paid store price for. I never worried much about it, I wore shirts that fit when I started the diet plan last year, and as I lost weight, I really liked my shirts being a little baggy, and no one seemed to mind around me, so why waste the money replacing any of them? I wouldn’t do that, no. In fact I liked how I looked in the slightly bigger shirts that I bought more shirts of the same size. Now when it comes to the t shirts of that size, I am still good. The material stretches a bit here and is loose a bit there, and it all kind of evens out, cause rayon and jersey knit are your friend! Remember that, they are your friend, if worn right, they can show every curve you want shown off and hide all the ones you don’t. When it comes to my other shirts, I am not so much happy. Buttons are evil! It would seem that I can’t button all my button up shirts anymore, and remember this is the size I was when I started the plan almost two years ago. I am bigger in size than then, and I hate myself for it. Still smaller in weight.
Last we come to my pants, and this may be my sore spot in all of this. I wore a size 36 pant coming out of high school, and I wore a size 36 for a really really long time. Marriage and desk jobs eventually got the best of me and I went up to a size 38, and I have been a size 38 for the majority of my adulthood. I only got big enough to buy one pair of size 40 pants once in my life. I bought the one pair and started this diet kick about the start of 2012. I almost immediately went back to a size 38. I even got down low enough at the end of summer in 2013 that I could fit in some of the more relaxed fit size 36 jeans I had around. Well that all use to be true, now I have been noticing that not only my belt was getting too small. The only pants I had that I even needed a belt for was those size 40 pants I bought in 2012, and now I was noticing that there was even some pants that I wasn’t wearing because they were getting a bit too tight. Because of a dress code change at work I decided I needed to have a couple pairs of new jeans, so I went to the store last night to buy the jeans. It was a depressing shopping trip. I wish I had just stayed home, but there is paint on the only jeans that I own that fit, so I needed to buy jeans. I decided to try on different sizes, and the size 40 pants was all that fit, and I couldn’t have been more pissed at me about it. I hate even the idea that I have to wear a size 40 jean now. The worst part of it, I am sitting here typing this wearing the new jeans, and I keep thinking how tight they are in places and now think I should go back and get a pair or two of relaxed fit in the same size for work. Fuck me!