Hi, I don’t know who could possibly be reading this, but if you are, hi all the same. It has been over a year since I posted anything here.
I have been gone, not because I didn’t enjoy posting on here, but because I didn’t know what to post more than anything. I never wanted to stick to this or that. The chaos part was part of the idea, that I could post here about anything I wanted to post about. A journal entry here, a product review there, a random quote there. I just needed an outlet to get things out of my head that I didn’t have to tell to anyone, so I wanted to just tell them to the possible person that might read it.
I guess it became too much about something to me. I focused so much on my health and my weight that I didn’t know how to get out of the spiral and just start posting about nothing again. Funny thing that happened though, is that I stopped doing any of what I was talking about when I stopped talking about it too.
I feel like I don’t have anyone to really talk to about the subjects of weight and health that I just loose sight of it in my little world. Everyone is so sensitive about their own view on their own weight and health that they don’t even want to talk about it, and I start feeling like those I am closest to and want to talk the most to about the subjects are the ones that I have to walk on egg shells about the subjects so I end up just closing myself off to them and end up just giving up. I am unfortunately the kind of person that needs some reinforcement that what I am doing and where I am going is on track and that I am doing good. I need that friendly pat on the back when I lose that pound or walk that extra quarter mile, or I stop watching the weight or walking. I guess it is some codependency on others, but I don’t know that it is fully, since I didn’t really get feedback on here, but still felt the same by just telling it to the ether and just getting it out. I guess if any professionals in counseling come across this they can tell me what a codependency solved from a form of talking to myself is called in the world of increasing disorders is, I might get a better grasp on why.
What is clear is that I need to get myself motivated again with all of it, and I also find that when I am not talking about anything, not just this stuff, but all of my daily bs, that I tend to be more irritable and depressed, and I just need an outlet, so I am going to try to start back on the blogs.
I thought a lot about getting rid of the past blogs and starting a new, but I decided against that. I feel that the past is where I messed up and got off track of what I wanted this to be for myself, but I heard someone say that if you are OCD about something, or just need things to be perfect, and I definitely am when it comes to things like this, that you need to allow yourself to mess up. I see a lot of my past on here as a mistake, some a unclear path of where I was going, some just a disorganization as I developed how I would eventually want to tag posts and keep them in some order. So, I am going to allow myself to mess up, and I am sure you will hear about it again at some point. I am also going to try and just get rid of this defeated, no one reads this and I am going to point that out every post thing I do. I am going to just start talking to the ether, I have readers, as far as I know, and I plan to just continue talking to them, and not be concerned with how many or if any. I do this for the possible reader so that I can get things off my mind, I am going to try to not be concerned with the actual reader, and I can’t tell you how much I want to go back and correct every time I did that now just so that won’t be in the past either. Allow myself to fail, allow myself to make mistakes.
Well more to come, updates good and bad needed.