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Monthly Archives: November 2014

Holiday’s

Most everyone knows, and those of you that don’t, pick up a fucking book, that the almost every holiday we celebrate, that how we celebrate and what we are celebrating are rarely actually related to each other. I can give so many examples it’s really not funny, but I will give some easy ones. A fat man giving spreading consumerism by being creepy and breaking into your house while you sleep so he can eat your food and leave your kids gifts, has little to do with the birth of Jesus. As much so I guess, as a large bunny hiding eggs, where ever a bunny gets eggs, for your kids to find, makes sense as the celebration of the resurrection of Jesus. You can easily see my point here.

This is the start of why I don’t really like celebrating holidays. It isn’t so much that I don’t agree with the idea of them or the celebrations of them, I just hate talking about a fat man bringing me gifts for months, gifts made by elves, and then talk all day how Christmas is about giving. But, wait, I thought Christmas was about the day that Christians celebrate the birth of Jesus, when did it become about giving? And why do I get a gift, when supposedly I should live a thrifty and humble life as Jesus did? This is when I am confused and frankly upset about the idea, because so many people just follow and exist with these holidays without looking at them for what they really are, and celebrating what they believe.

If you believe Christmas to be a celebration of the day Jesus is born, then you should be celebrating that, talking about that. If you give something to anyone, shouldn’t it be something that Jesus would give, to someone he would give it too? I have read the bible, and I have news for most of you, Santa might bring you that iPad Mini you have wanted since the release announcement from Apple, but Jesus doesn’t give a crap, he would give money to charity and buy food for the needy. Don’t get all mad at me as some anti Christmas person, or an overly religious person, cause I am neither. I don’t care if you want to celebrate Christmas, and I am far from religious, I just think if you celebrate a holiday based on a religious or social ideal, then it really makes sense to do it based on that ideal not on some made of traditions that you don’t even know why they are there, right? I love gifts, and I am the easiest person to shop for, cause I seem to love everything, but I have a day, my birthday. Feel free to get me whatever you want, and please do, I will take it, on my birthday. I just don’t understand getting things on a day celebrating the birth of a man that is celebrated as the one guy that ACTUALLY gave his life to save others.

Now, in saying that, I can see how someone could twist that into saying that it is a holiday about giving. Okay, I will give you that, but if you have to give, why not give to someone that needs it. I am not rich, but my kids are comfortable. Not only do they have a nice roof, food and clothes, but they have all the electronic toys, bikes and so on, they don’t really need one more gadget to ignore or complain about. There are plenty of people that might not eat that day, there are shelters for abused kids that had to leave everything they owned behind to escape a bad situation, and there are families that can barely afford to feed their kids, much less buy those toys. It seems that those are the people that need that giving most of all. Why not take the big step and not just give a little to them and still have a big thing for your family, why not get your family involved and give all you can to them and make that what you do with your family.

My favorite time of year is during that holiday break from work and school. Instead of opening gifts, me and my kids box up things around the house that we don’t really use but is still usable, and take it all down to a charity like I listed above, to give to families that really can use it.

The truth is, most holidays are holidays and celebrations that existed for one reason or another, culturally and religiously, and were taken over by a different religion. Christmas is a great example, since it was set to be celebrated on December 25th, since there were already two other annual celebrations on that day that celebrated none christian beliefs, most notably Dies Natalis Solis Invicti, which celebrated the birth of the Roman sun god. With Christianity spreading as the national religion in the Roman Empire, the church had concern about people still wanting to celebrate their traditional holidays, but these holidays were in celebration to other gods. Easy solution, that has worked for a couple millennium since, just change which god/person/event they are celebrating. You say you are now Christian, but you have this holiday celebrating the birth of the sun god that you already have a tradition and annual celebration for, just change sun god to Jesus, and a new holiday is born. Doesn’t really matter if the celebration matches what is being celebrated, only that the focus is on what the church wants it to be on. Then over the millennium and half to come we pick up folk lore and tradition from other cultures as the religion spreads, and one brilliant soda advertiser, until eventually we have Santa breaking in your house to leave Elvin made gifts and eating all your cookies.

This goes for so many others, I just focused in a little much on Christmas. Valentine’s Day is another of my least favorite. There have a few Valentine’s celebrated by the church over the years, but most notably being Saint Valentine, in which the holiday began with, although they have all been eventually grouped in to one over time. That is why it is Valentine’s not Valentine Day. For that matter, not even the church that decides on who saints are knows enough about Saint Valentine, outside his martyr status and date he was venerated, to really call him notable. In fact they know so little about him that he, along with Valentine’s Day, has been removed from the official Catholic calendar, only recognizing him on that day, if they have nothing better going on. This is a great example of people just making things up. This one started out as a feast and day of sacrifice, which was changed after the 14th century, for no apparent reason, to be a day of love, and at that point was love in fellowship, a declaration of love to everyone that matters to you and effects your life. It is a rather recent concept for it to be a day of romantic love. I never understood having a single day for that, seems you would want to do that year round.

All of this is really just a short essay on my ideas of holidays, and how I believe we should all look into why we are doing something and not just do it because we always have. Some of these days, if you really looked into their history and how they were meant to be celebrated, you may not even want to celebrate them anymore. There might be others that you never cared about that you really find are more worth your time. I find the celebration of the Solstices to be fascinating, and I really don’t know how to celebrate them more then a recognition of the event, but I try to twice a year. Not for any spiritual belief, but just an amazement in the science of event. The measurable moment that we are closest and furthest from the sun, and the fact that they are the two oldest celebrated moments. Just the fact that it is one of the oldest record-able moments, and the more we learn about why it happens and the more we know about our planet, it only becomes that much more awesome that it happens in such a predictable time frame. Just think of everything that would go wrong with our ecosystem if we tilted one way or the other to quickly or for too long.

Find something that matters to you, respect it enough to celebrate it correctly and share it with your family. If you are offended by anything I have said, shut up, I am an idiot with a blog, no one forced you to read this much.

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Posted by on November 24, 2014 in General Post

 

Okay, Procrastination, I Guess

Procrastination is a hard thing to talk about because it is such a fact in my life. I know that so many other people relate and know what I am saying, but I feel like I am stuck in this loop with putting things off that I am ahead of the class in this subject. Some people get things done, some people put things off, I have made procrastinating an art form.

To start with, I don’t ever really feel like I have the energy to do much of anything. I don’t know if it is part of my depression or anxiety, the medications I take for those issues, or a combination of the two, but I do know that I can talk myself out of doing almost anything. This isn’t really a new issue either. My stubbornness and apathy for getting in trouble as a kid allowed for me to practice advanced forms of procrastinating starting at a reasonably young age. Skills in which I mastered as I got older and found that I no longer needed to explain myself to others.

I don’t want anyone to think that I am just celebrating my laziness here just because I like to joke about the subject. I actually spend quite a bit of time and metal effort fighting the urge to not do anything. Life is so much easier when you sit around and watch a movie. This is a daily thing for myself, and likely one of the biggest reasons that losing weight, finding a mate, or having clean laundry have been so difficult. Those things take effort, and that is just so hard, cause I would need to get out of the chair and put on my shoes. That is a thought that has gone through my mind when there is something that I need to do shows itself. I just took my shoes off and I have to go outside to do that, which would require putting my shoes back on. To make this even more sad, I don’t wear shoes with laces, only slip-on shoes.

When it comes to things at work, it is a little easier to convince myself to get things done, mostly because they pay me, and if I don’t finish my work they might stop doing that. Although I still find ways to put things off. It isn’t that I don’t know what I am doing or that I am bad at my job, which makes what I do quite easy. It’s called putting things off until the last possible minute. Something needs to be done by 12 and it’s 10, I can spend 30 minutes figuring out how long it can will actually take me to do it, then once I have figured out that if I rushed, but only as fast as I can without doing any worse of a job, it will take me 30-45 minutes, there for I don’t need to start for another 45 minutes. I don’t have other work to do or something better to do. My work computer won’t let me on facebook or social websites, and I work alone, so there isn’t anyone to talk to, plus I work in a visible area where I am not able to play games or waste time on distracting things without being seen by half the office, so I just find myself suddenly bored and complaining about how slow my work day is going.

Now I know that what would solve this issue would be to do the work at hand, and just work on it a little slower, take my time, double check my work, and fill in the time, but why would I do that? It doesn’t need done yet. Really I don’t even feel comfortable saying much more than that, and maybe even feel I have said too much, cause I don’t want anyone I work for or with to read this and get the wrong idea, since I do always make sure to do my work and check it, and take pride in doing any, no matter how menial, of a job correctly, I just know that I build some procrastination into everything I do.

Really it all comes out the most at home. I have amazed myself on how much I have sat around thinking about what needs done and planning out how and when it will get done, when I can just get my ass up and start doing it. I don’t know what that is. I make excuses for a lot of it. You know the kind of things where I just want to finish this show, or I am waiting on x or doing y first, and it always seems like x and y are things I can’t do right now for this reason or another, which means I can’t do anything, so I just get nothing done. There is some of that which isn’t an excuse but part of an OCD issue I actually have, but not all of it.

Really this is where it becomes hard to talk about, since this is where it is so easily simplified. I have lots of things I know need done and I just don’t want to or don’t feel like doing it. I don’t know how to even explain that feeling. I have walked past things that need picked up in my own house, looked at it and said to myself “I need to pick that up sometime.” It’s a level of procrastination that actually embarrasses me, mostly because it doesn’t even effect time to do it. In the time that I stopped, looked at the item and said that to myself, I could have picked it up and been done with it. That level my be reaching into another issue such as apathy or depression, but comes out in procrastination.

 
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Posted by on November 18, 2014 in General Post

 

Procrastination

The feeling like I just need to do this later.

 
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Posted by on November 18, 2014 in General Post

 

Addiction

This topic REALLY relates to everything I have talked about so far. From smoking, drinking, and drugs to eating, computers and music, and so many things in between, I have an addictive personality, and it makes everything that isn’t it hard, and then even harder is when it has to stop. One addiction doesn’t just stop though, it brings out the best of you as you quit and the worst as you find its replacement.

I think I can really go back to my earliest memories to find stories of addiction, but I am not even sure if I could find the root of it. Some might even roll their eyes at that and the idea that I can think of addiction as a child, but yeah. It’s that line between wanting something and having to have something. I had that early on. I never just wanted a new box of crayons, I needed every color made by a particular company, and they all needed to be perfect in their boxes. I have to pause at that statement, cause I am not arguing that I was spoiled or that this is proof of that, with kids that just want everything that they see and are never happy until it happens. This goes deeper than that. I grew up in what you might call middle class, maybe lower middle class. I wasn’t poor, but I wasn’t rich. My parents were able to spoil me here and there, but they just couldn’t afford to do it to a point that would warrant the “spoiled brat” behavior.

That may not of been important to address, but I think there needs to be an important discussion here about the difference in a need and a want when discussing addiction. That is how I know I was easily swayed to addiction as a child and still am. It is the feeling that can’t be described by words like regret, jealousy, envy or any other of the normal phrases associated with a desire or wanting. It is a more deep seeded drive that you only feel when you know you are without, not when you want or have. If asked to describe it I can only compare it to the feeling any normal person would have if they were asked not to eat for a couple days, or go without water on a hot day, or even that level of obsession where all you can do is think about it, plan on it, think about how it will happen, or when. It doesn’t have to be rational, it doesn’t have to be good, it can be stupid, dangerous and someone could tell you with no doubt that it could kill you, it doesn’t matter until you have what you are addicted too.

This is the feeling I remember having as a kid, starting with simple things and collecting. If I had that box of crayons, I was happy to have them, but I felt almost physical pain about the fact that I didn’t have every single one I could have, and no matter what rational person explained to me that I had every one I COULD have, it didn’t matter. I did this over everything, and if I couldn’t finish a collection, it was often better to not have any of it, because the incomplete would occupy too much of my time and thought. So, what a wonderful day when I learned about drugs and alcohol in High School, and decided to try them.

I want to start by saying that I am 13 years sober from drug use. I don’t count alcohol use, since I no longer keep it around and have stopped drinking enough to get drunk. I do still enjoy a drink with friends on occasion and I make an effort to not drink it more than that. I refuse to drink alone, and certain friends I have had talks with explaining that I never want to be addicted to it and if they see signs of it to make whatever efforts needed to remind or stop me.

Anyway, I found drugs and alcohol, and boy was I in love. I tried everything, this is the point my parents usually tell me they don’t need to know my entire past, and I loved most everything. I liked testing new things and mixing things and just being where they could take me. I don’t want to spend much more time on it than that, the simple fact is, drugs are great…when your on them. Alcohol has that concept down to a tee, best you’ll ever feel is that moment between blind drunk and throwing up. If you can just figure out how much you need to drink to stay there until you pass out, your golden, but you will pay for it in the morning every time. You will curse ever using it, until the hangover wears off, and it’s like you suddenly forgot what a hangover even is and where’s the beer? There was a point in all of this that I thought I could never quit either drugs or drinking, but then I found my first big transitional addiction to replace them both, love.

Man the things you will do for love and sex. I found a beautiful woman that liked my car, and at 19 that was close enough. Eventually I proposed and she said only if we both stop drinking and drugging. Well, she was the one I loved, and that is a much stronger addiction than any chemical I ever put in my body, and she was the only source I had for having sex, so sure, I want love and sex much more than a 5 hour trip or 1 hour high, or even a night drunk. That was my new addiction, at least it felt like it, and I did everything I thought I should do as a husband, turns out 20 year old’s don’t know a lot about being a good husband, and 16 year old’s don’t know a lot more about being good wives. We had some very rocky years, with a lot of good moments, but eventually there was just to much negative to work for any positives.

During my 6 year marriage I did increase an obsession, even addiction, to both music and computers that started at a very young age. Why do I think of these as addictions, you might ask. It’s simply because I have that feeling like I need to do something with computers constantly and I need to listen to collect and learn about music constantly. That difference in the feeling of need and want, to a point that either could easily take over my life if I didn’t keep them in check, keeping them from really being hobbies, but more like controlled addictions. I also learned clearly while married that I loved food, a bit too much.

Food, oh food, how do I love thee. I can eat pizza until I am full, then eat because I want the flavor of it in my mouth, have to stop because I am too full, but wait a little bit, drink some soda and finish off the rest a little cold. All the time telling myself that I am a fat slob, but how great does this pizza taste. Now, this isn’t just pizza, it’s just eating stuff I like in general. There have been nights I lay in bed thinking about all the things I could possibly go eat, and hoping I fall asleep before my will power breaks, it’s a race between the ambien and the car trip for some McDonald’s fries, which can I hold out for longer? Plus, eating it just evil. It is always there, you have to do it, and if you can’t have something you are trying to break the habit of, drinking, smoking, bad break up, what better friend than Ben and his friend Jerry? Family and friends never understand it either, even if they have the same problem. They offer you food, you turn it down and they are insulted you won’t eat. “I don’t want to eat because I finished all the calories this stupid app on my phone says I can have today and for some reason I am listening to my phone for health advice now.” or “I can’t eat cause I don’t know how to enter the crap you made in this stupid app.” It really doesn’t matter the reason, they still think you just don’t want to eat their cooking, or you ate before coming to see them or you have plans you aren’t telling them about after.

They all have a diet you need to try, and never think the one you are on is correct. The last actual diet I was on was a closely doctor monitored and controlled diet, and when I tried telling people what I was doing I actually had people tell me that my doctor was a “quack” and I needed to find a nutritionist that knew what they were doing. All because they read online or heard from their doctor about this diet or plan that somehow worked for them, or at least someone they at least knew someone that knew them. If they don’t know of a diet you should be on, they have an opinion about how you shouldn’t diet. If you are using an application or program of some sort, it’s never the correct one, and no one seems to have the same opinion. You need to try this or you need to try that but don’t do what that other person said to do or not to do.

What I use to do to relive all this stress was a good old fashioned cigarette. Smoking is a powerful and very addictive activity, one that I enjoyed so very much. I once described how smoking feels to my friend Amanda, and she told me I sounded like I was describing a erotic pleasure of some sort. I wasn’t even trying to do that or being poetic in my attempt. When you have smoked for several years you get to a point that there really isn’t much that feels quite as good as lighting up that next cigarette. If anything encapsulates the feeling of addictions as good as hard drugs do, it is smoking. When you are smoking you feel like you are with an old friend helping you through your day, and when you aren’t smoking you are thinking about how all you want to do is smoke and get back to that friend of yours. I quit smoking myself in 2012, partly due to health concerns with a developing cough I had, that has stopped since, and with healing factors from a surgery, but mostly because I have an asthmatic son who asked me too try.

I did quit, but found it so hard that I really only replaced it with an electronic cigarette or vaporizer. While sometimes I still use nicotine, and sometimes I don’t, I am still going through the addicting actions and behavior of smoking, just without the smoking itself. While some people consider this a much better habit, and some feel it is just as bad, I tend to lean towards the former just since my health seems to be better for it. Even though it does seem to be the case, I do still plan to quit the vapor as well. I find myself looking towards the idea of quitting with the same dread as when I quit smoking and feel like I will be losing a part of myself. The worst of the feelings that all addictions seem to have for me, the feeling like I need something I don’t need and have some how failed by having to lose it. It really is a common theme in addiction, and the worst of addictions really hit it home.

The final chapter in my talk about addictions, and not a moment too soon seeing how long this has become, is stuff. When I say stuff I mean stuff of all kinds. I collect things, and more often than I would like to admit, collecting things becomes an excuse for borderline hoarding behavior. It is all back to that same behavior of addiction that is the earliest in my memories as a child and it has never really gone away, and I don’t know completely how to control it even after 30 years. It is this special feeling where my OCD and addictive personality meet. I don’t just want my favorite book by this author, I need every book they ever wrote, even if I don’t even like anything else they wrote but that one book. I do it with everything, I have to have. What might set me apart from most hoarders is that I don’t have to have everything of everything, I am not saving everything cause it my be useful or I might feel wasteful getting rid of it, that would be almost too easy, I have to somehow make it more complex than that. There are lots of things I don’t care about, and as soon as something breaks I can chuck it with little issue. The issue I have becomes apparent if I find something I truly like.

Lets take stuffed bears as a great example. When I was born a neighbor of my parents gave me a stuffed bear, and I love that bear, and I still have that bear. Skip a couple years and now I am 2 and I break my arm, the friend of the family watching me that day felt horrible and bought me a stuffed bear to keep with me during my recovery. Ever since my jogging bear, he is wearing a green jogging outfit, has sat on a shelf next to my other bear. Now lets skip 18 years and I have just moved into my first house with my wife. When I was decorating my space in our room I get out these two bears and she didn’t know what in the world was going on, so I told her all about them and why they were important to me. She thought it would be cute, and it was, to occasionally get me a bear as a gift from my then new born and later toddler kids. We skip one more time another 13 years and we get to me moving into my new house, now a single dad, with my two growing up too fast boys and when unpacking I realize that I have 3 small moving boxes of just bears, and one more of random stuffed animals, and I can only place getting a handful of them all for special reasons and then my two favorite bears from my childhood, and I don’t even know why I have the others. Looking back on it I can see the point that I stopped getting them as gifts and started buying them for myself, and I still don’t understand why, other than to explain this need to just have them, and I needed all of them, and I don’t know how many there are, so I just get every one I see.

The worst part of this behavior for me came when I recognized it and started just giving things up. I don’t want addiction to hold me to things or actions and I am trying constantly to enjoy things, to have that drink and to have a collection, but to stop at that drink, to only collect one or two things and learn to just enjoy the things I really want without having to have everything, but that feeling of the need never stops. I put all the stuffed animals that mean something on a display shelf in my office, and on my office chair is all the other bears and other animals, that I just don’t know what to do with. I know I need to box them up and give them away. Some child will be better off playing with those than them being stored uselessly in my office in a box, but I have to bring myself to do it. If you are wondering I did settle on three actual collections, outside of the knickknack here and there things to remember family members by that have passed. I collect playing cards, dictionaries, and silver dollars. The reason for each could be a post themselves.

No matter what you do, no matter what your addiction, that need is all that seems to matter. The worst part is that need goes away once you have it, and more times than not you find that you don’t even want what you needed, you just needed it. I never wanted to smell like cigarette smoke, or have hundreds of stuffed animals that I have never as much as looked at, or done anything that was bad for my health, I just needed it, or at least felt a need for them. The want is not always there like so many that aren’t addicted to anything assume is what it is all about, but the need is what drives this behavior that makes the person doing it fell horrible, and then once the need is fulfilled, there too often is still no want and no fulfillment but learning that you still need, it’s just moved on to something new.

 
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Posted by on November 6, 2014 in General Post, Reflection

 

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Loneliness

Next in my series of subjects, not sure how to label them or explain any better than that. I guess this is just points of which I am thinking about or worried about in my life right now. This one, as you can probably tell from the title, is not specifically about weight or diet, but I don’t restrain my blog to that subject.

Going all the way back to high school, I was never great at asking someone out. The subtleties of this game people play where they show affection to show interest or say things at the right moment, constantly dancing around hoping the other person will be the first to say something or make the first move, have always been lost on me. This usually leaves me either staying withdrawn never really knowing what to say or saying to much too bluntly. I can say that over the years I am able to see it much more in others, as age will do such things to you, but I still have a lot of trouble in both seeing it when directed to me and in directing it to others myself. It seems to be a common social interaction to play on these subtle motions and reactions to show that you are interested so that the other person can turn you down or accept you with a responding action of their own, all in an awkward dance waiting for someone to actually say it, but only saying it when you are sure the feeling will be reciprocated.

The idea that someone can even follow it is beyond me. I would be much more comfortable with someone just saying that they are interested, so that I can then say if I am or not, and vice versa, but this just isn’t how things go, and the fact that I know people don’t respond well to that sort of openness makes me nerves and unable to do act in the way I think people should. I am aware that my views are not the common, and awareness makes me cautious of how I act myself.

Anyway, there is more to it than that. I grew up as a teen in the 90’s. A time that many would agree was a start to this culture of sleep around, looking for someone to have fun with, and not looking to settle down. That in itself made romantic life more difficult for me from the start. I seem to be in the minority of straight men that just want to find someone I can spend my life with. I have never looked for a short term relationship. I think of all relationships as possible long term and treat them as such, which in itself makes it more difficult to find someone in a sea of those looking for a hook up or a short term relationship.

Last is actually about my weight. I have been over weight since Jr High and I am more so now than I was then. I am not alone in this, I am actually the smallest of three brothers, at the moment, I do want to give them credit for the possibility that they could one day lose the weight as well. Being over weight from childhood comes with a nice self esteem issue that is hard to get rid of. The feeling when looking at a beautiful woman that she couldn’t possible see in you what you see in her. I know it is stupid, but it is hard to get rid of. It has been an on going thing in life that you end up beating yourself up about and you just hope you can turn into a positive motivating factor in changing things. I only have the outlook of a guy, and can’t possibly understand how a girl feels in the same situation, but I have to assume it is close to the same, and for any woman that might read this, I do mean beauty, not just physical attraction, when I talk about what I think of a girl I like.

Now that is all covered we can get to the point of this post. That might seem like a lot just to lead in, but it is all important to my point. It is because of these factors that I mostly stayed single through high school, and then only dated two people before the second became my wife. I was married to her for just short of 6 years and I am still not even sure how I ended up asking her out. I say that, I know how it all happened, I just don’t know how I did it. Plus, there was months of being friends and wanting to ask her out and getting closer to her and not knowing what to do and not knowing how to act and not being able to ask, then there was even the one time I did ask and she turned me down and I felt like my world would end. Until the divorce I would have marked the moment she said no the first time I asked my wife out as the worst feeling in my life, but then I got divorced and found out that there are so many more things to cause such more pain.

Following the divorce I became a single father and found myself being that same guy that didn’t seem to want the same thing out of finding a date as most of the people I knew, but now it was with less money, kids, age and a hair line that was a little farther back than the last time I had to do it. That was 7 years ago. I have been on a few good dates that went no where, I have been on several bad dates that didn’t last long enough to go anywhere. Through online dating I even found one girl that I called my girlfriend for a few months, but that ended, still for reasons I don’t fully understand. Worst was a girl I liked but strung me along and was just using me as someone to hang out with when she had nothing better to do, but never planned to let it turn into more.

For those that don’t know me, I settled into a job that is safe. I didn’t do this because it makes me a lot of money, or is great satisfying work, I did it because it pays steady and has good benefits and a retirement package. I would like to take the risks and build my career and find something I love doing, but I don’t, or can’t, do that right now. I am a single father, I own a house and I have two kids to feed. The job I work is considered a low income job, and it is, I make crap, but I know exactly how much I am getting and when all year long. So, I don’t have lots of extra, and we aren’t buying a lot of extras, but we have a roof, we have food, and we have clothes. Sometimes I am able to pull off a little more here and there, but I am covering the basics most the time. I look good on paper, good net worth and what not, but week to week I have to budget to get by.

Now all of the last 1200 words has been basically to explain everything that comes together to be the best guess I have for why I am alone right now. I am lonely, it isn’t like I am alone by choice. I really wish I could find someone to just spend some time with, hold hands and go for a walk. I just haven’t found it. I am not sure what I am doing wrong really. I speculated to a friend that if I just started showing my net worth and didn’t explain that I barely maintain my living with my income, I might get a girl, and we agreed that it wouldn’t be the kind of girl I would want. People ask you all the time what kind of girl do you want, one that makes me happy is the best I can come up with. I don’t care what she likes or dislikes. If she likes something I don’t or haven’t heard of, I would look forward in her teaching me about it or trying to tolerate it, and I would just hope she would do the same for me. Really I just don’t want to be alone anymore, and I just simply don’t know where to find her, what to say to her, or even if I could talk to her if I did.

 
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Posted by on November 4, 2014 in Reflection

 

Exercise

Now I am about to make excuses that will seem unreasonable, but I am working past them, so shut it.

When I started the whole exercising thing, I lived close to a popular walking/running area for where I live. It is a lovely little lake with a 3.4 mile paved trail running around it. All sorts of people walking, running, biking, walking dogs, playing at the parks and so on all the time. I hated it. That sounds odd, but I hated it. The reason I hated it, is the same reason I hate going to local gyms and other places designed for working out. This is simple, I live in a city with a major university and well that makes this all suck. These places are always full of these students that don’t need to fucking be there. Okay, maybe people that work on keeping it early should be there and should be encouraged, blah blah blah blah blah. I am not saying that I don’t have any problem seeing college girls in great shape working out either, I am male, I think that comes with the hardware. The problem is I am not even seeing sex at this point. What I see are these 18-mid 20’s college students, girls and guys, with perfect fucking bodies, barely wearing enough cloth to cover the parts that move when they do, running at even pace. Then I notice them as they then lap me once or twice and notice that they are barely breaking a sweat, they haven’t seemed to slow down, and they smiling like this is fun.

Why would this be an issue, and why do I hate them to my core for it, well that is simple, as they pass me for the second or third time, I am thinking in my head that I just am hoping to survive the 4 miles this trail requires me to finish and be alive at the end, I am only half way, nearing the 2 mile mark, and my shirt looks like I took a dip in the lake along the way I am sweating so much, and I stopped feeling part of my legs already. I am in no way smiling, the joyful spirit that was happy that I was getting out and moving jumped ship about half a mile back when the guy in my head that started calculating the point of no return (the point on the trail where it is shorter to finish rather than to turn around) kicked in. It is about the point of no return when I first think about if I wore the right socks or tied my shoes right to not get blisters, and as I am having that thought, Mr perfect abs and his girlfriend Miss perfect curve run past me for the second time in the running clothes they made with string and a few doilies, and I don’t even want to tell them that, cause they are too young to know what doilies even are.

Well a few months ago I moved away from the lake that I use to walk at frequently. I miss it. Now I live in a neighborhood that is not really near any solid trails or measured areas to walk. Worst of all there are no pretty college students to start my walk out looking at and end it hating. There is just me and the occasional person working in their yard. Sidewalk where there are sidewalks, but the traffic is calm enough to not need them where there aren’t any. I long for just having some noise, but really that isn’t what I miss most. I miss the college students. When you walk alone, and can’t find someone to walk with you regularly, you don’t get a lot of encouragement. What I hated about those college students the most is when they lapped me they gave me a smile or a simple nod. I hated that these people where out there to begin with, and then that they looked at me, cause a lot of them just look at you with this grossed out face, but the ones that worked, the ones lapping me, they always looked and smiled and nodded. They may not have been doing it intentionally, but they were encouraging me by simply recognizing me. I may not be able to get around several time in an hour, but I am trying.

That is the biggest reason I am not out there right now. My kids don’t care if I go walking or if I lay on the couch in my office and watch netflix. They get fed and the laundry gets done both ways. I am single, so I am not getting an encouragement from a partner, and I don’t really have anyone going with me. So I stand at a stand still where I wan’t to start with a small goal and walk a mile a day and increase that to real exercise, but I just feel like I don’t care, and like no one else does, so why should I. I should because of all the reason I have to, but I don’t because if I do it, no one will pat me on the back for it. I know that is stupid, but it is true, and it is the truth making me lazier than ever. I do not know how to work past it, but I will need to in order to get anywhere. I can break my diet down to under 1000 calories a day, but if I don’t burn at least that, what good is it?

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2014 in Weight

 

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