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Loneliness

04 Nov

Next in my series of subjects, not sure how to label them or explain any better than that. I guess this is just points of which I am thinking about or worried about in my life right now. This one, as you can probably tell from the title, is not specifically about weight or diet, but I don’t restrain my blog to that subject.

Going all the way back to high school, I was never great at asking someone out. The subtleties of this game people play where they show affection to show interest or say things at the right moment, constantly dancing around hoping the other person will be the first to say something or make the first move, have always been lost on me. This usually leaves me either staying withdrawn never really knowing what to say or saying to much too bluntly. I can say that over the years I am able to see it much more in others, as age will do such things to you, but I still have a lot of trouble in both seeing it when directed to me and in directing it to others myself. It seems to be a common social interaction to play on these subtle motions and reactions to show that you are interested so that the other person can turn you down or accept you with a responding action of their own, all in an awkward dance waiting for someone to actually say it, but only saying it when you are sure the feeling will be reciprocated.

The idea that someone can even follow it is beyond me. I would be much more comfortable with someone just saying that they are interested, so that I can then say if I am or not, and vice versa, but this just isn’t how things go, and the fact that I know people don’t respond well to that sort of openness makes me nerves and unable to do act in the way I think people should. I am aware that my views are not the common, and awareness makes me cautious of how I act myself.

Anyway, there is more to it than that. I grew up as a teen in the 90’s. A time that many would agree was a start to this culture of sleep around, looking for someone to have fun with, and not looking to settle down. That in itself made romantic life more difficult for me from the start. I seem to be in the minority of straight men that just want to find someone I can spend my life with. I have never looked for a short term relationship. I think of all relationships as possible long term and treat them as such, which in itself makes it more difficult to find someone in a sea of those looking for a hook up or a short term relationship.

Last is actually about my weight. I have been over weight since Jr High and I am more so now than I was then. I am not alone in this, I am actually the smallest of three brothers, at the moment, I do want to give them credit for the possibility that they could one day lose the weight as well. Being over weight from childhood comes with a nice self esteem issue that is hard to get rid of. The feeling when looking at a beautiful woman that she couldn’t possible see in you what you see in her. I know it is stupid, but it is hard to get rid of. It has been an on going thing in life that you end up beating yourself up about and you just hope you can turn into a positive motivating factor in changing things. I only have the outlook of a guy, and can’t possibly understand how a girl feels in the same situation, but I have to assume it is close to the same, and for any woman that might read this, I do mean beauty, not just physical attraction, when I talk about what I think of a girl I like.

Now that is all covered we can get to the point of this post. That might seem like a lot just to lead in, but it is all important to my point. It is because of these factors that I mostly stayed single through high school, and then only dated two people before the second became my wife. I was married to her for just short of 6 years and I am still not even sure how I ended up asking her out. I say that, I know how it all happened, I just don’t know how I did it. Plus, there was months of being friends and wanting to ask her out and getting closer to her and not knowing what to do and not knowing how to act and not being able to ask, then there was even the one time I did ask and she turned me down and I felt like my world would end. Until the divorce I would have marked the moment she said no the first time I asked my wife out as the worst feeling in my life, but then I got divorced and found out that there are so many more things to cause such more pain.

Following the divorce I became a single father and found myself being that same guy that didn’t seem to want the same thing out of finding a date as most of the people I knew, but now it was with less money, kids, age and a hair line that was a little farther back than the last time I had to do it. That was 7 years ago. I have been on a few good dates that went no where, I have been on several bad dates that didn’t last long enough to go anywhere. Through online dating I even found one girl that I called my girlfriend for a few months, but that ended, still for reasons I don’t fully understand. Worst was a girl I liked but strung me along and was just using me as someone to hang out with when she had nothing better to do, but never planned to let it turn into more.

For those that don’t know me, I settled into a job that is safe. I didn’t do this because it makes me a lot of money, or is great satisfying work, I did it because it pays steady and has good benefits and a retirement package. I would like to take the risks and build my career and find something I love doing, but I don’t, or can’t, do that right now. I am a single father, I own a house and I have two kids to feed. The job I work is considered a low income job, and it is, I make crap, but I know exactly how much I am getting and when all year long. So, I don’t have lots of extra, and we aren’t buying a lot of extras, but we have a roof, we have food, and we have clothes. Sometimes I am able to pull off a little more here and there, but I am covering the basics most the time. I look good on paper, good net worth and what not, but week to week I have to budget to get by.

Now all of the last 1200 words has been basically to explain everything that comes together to be the best guess I have for why I am alone right now. I am lonely, it isn’t like I am alone by choice. I really wish I could find someone to just spend some time with, hold hands and go for a walk. I just haven’t found it. I am not sure what I am doing wrong really. I speculated to a friend that if I just started showing my net worth and didn’t explain that I barely maintain my living with my income, I might get a girl, and we agreed that it wouldn’t be the kind of girl I would want. People ask you all the time what kind of girl do you want, one that makes me happy is the best I can come up with. I don’t care what she likes or dislikes. If she likes something I don’t or haven’t heard of, I would look forward in her teaching me about it or trying to tolerate it, and I would just hope she would do the same for me. Really I just don’t want to be alone anymore, and I just simply don’t know where to find her, what to say to her, or even if I could talk to her if I did.

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Posted by on November 4, 2014 in Reflection

 

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