Procrastination is a hard thing to talk about because it is such a fact in my life. I know that so many other people relate and know what I am saying, but I feel like I am stuck in this loop with putting things off that I am ahead of the class in this subject. Some people get things done, some people put things off, I have made procrastinating an art form.
To start with, I don’t ever really feel like I have the energy to do much of anything. I don’t know if it is part of my depression or anxiety, the medications I take for those issues, or a combination of the two, but I do know that I can talk myself out of doing almost anything. This isn’t really a new issue either. My stubbornness and apathy for getting in trouble as a kid allowed for me to practice advanced forms of procrastinating starting at a reasonably young age. Skills in which I mastered as I got older and found that I no longer needed to explain myself to others.
I don’t want anyone to think that I am just celebrating my laziness here just because I like to joke about the subject. I actually spend quite a bit of time and metal effort fighting the urge to not do anything. Life is so much easier when you sit around and watch a movie. This is a daily thing for myself, and likely one of the biggest reasons that losing weight, finding a mate, or having clean laundry have been so difficult. Those things take effort, and that is just so hard, cause I would need to get out of the chair and put on my shoes. That is a thought that has gone through my mind when there is something that I need to do shows itself. I just took my shoes off and I have to go outside to do that, which would require putting my shoes back on. To make this even more sad, I don’t wear shoes with laces, only slip-on shoes.
When it comes to things at work, it is a little easier to convince myself to get things done, mostly because they pay me, and if I don’t finish my work they might stop doing that. Although I still find ways to put things off. It isn’t that I don’t know what I am doing or that I am bad at my job, which makes what I do quite easy. It’s called putting things off until the last possible minute. Something needs to be done by 12 and it’s 10, I can spend 30 minutes figuring out how long it can will actually take me to do it, then once I have figured out that if I rushed, but only as fast as I can without doing any worse of a job, it will take me 30-45 minutes, there for I don’t need to start for another 45 minutes. I don’t have other work to do or something better to do. My work computer won’t let me on facebook or social websites, and I work alone, so there isn’t anyone to talk to, plus I work in a visible area where I am not able to play games or waste time on distracting things without being seen by half the office, so I just find myself suddenly bored and complaining about how slow my work day is going.
Now I know that what would solve this issue would be to do the work at hand, and just work on it a little slower, take my time, double check my work, and fill in the time, but why would I do that? It doesn’t need done yet. Really I don’t even feel comfortable saying much more than that, and maybe even feel I have said too much, cause I don’t want anyone I work for or with to read this and get the wrong idea, since I do always make sure to do my work and check it, and take pride in doing any, no matter how menial, of a job correctly, I just know that I build some procrastination into everything I do.
Really it all comes out the most at home. I have amazed myself on how much I have sat around thinking about what needs done and planning out how and when it will get done, when I can just get my ass up and start doing it. I don’t know what that is. I make excuses for a lot of it. You know the kind of things where I just want to finish this show, or I am waiting on x or doing y first, and it always seems like x and y are things I can’t do right now for this reason or another, which means I can’t do anything, so I just get nothing done. There is some of that which isn’t an excuse but part of an OCD issue I actually have, but not all of it.
Really this is where it becomes hard to talk about, since this is where it is so easily simplified. I have lots of things I know need done and I just don’t want to or don’t feel like doing it. I don’t know how to even explain that feeling. I have walked past things that need picked up in my own house, looked at it and said to myself “I need to pick that up sometime.” It’s a level of procrastination that actually embarrasses me, mostly because it doesn’t even effect time to do it. In the time that I stopped, looked at the item and said that to myself, I could have picked it up and been done with it. That level my be reaching into another issue such as apathy or depression, but comes out in procrastination.