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Loneliness

Next in my series of subjects, not sure how to label them or explain any better than that. I guess this is just points of which I am thinking about or worried about in my life right now. This one, as you can probably tell from the title, is not specifically about weight or diet, but I don’t restrain my blog to that subject.

Going all the way back to high school, I was never great at asking someone out. The subtleties of this game people play where they show affection to show interest or say things at the right moment, constantly dancing around hoping the other person will be the first to say something or make the first move, have always been lost on me. This usually leaves me either staying withdrawn never really knowing what to say or saying to much too bluntly. I can say that over the years I am able to see it much more in others, as age will do such things to you, but I still have a lot of trouble in both seeing it when directed to me and in directing it to others myself. It seems to be a common social interaction to play on these subtle motions and reactions to show that you are interested so that the other person can turn you down or accept you with a responding action of their own, all in an awkward dance waiting for someone to actually say it, but only saying it when you are sure the feeling will be reciprocated.

The idea that someone can even follow it is beyond me. I would be much more comfortable with someone just saying that they are interested, so that I can then say if I am or not, and vice versa, but this just isn’t how things go, and the fact that I know people don’t respond well to that sort of openness makes me nerves and unable to do act in the way I think people should. I am aware that my views are not the common, and awareness makes me cautious of how I act myself.

Anyway, there is more to it than that. I grew up as a teen in the 90’s. A time that many would agree was a start to this culture of sleep around, looking for someone to have fun with, and not looking to settle down. That in itself made romantic life more difficult for me from the start. I seem to be in the minority of straight men that just want to find someone I can spend my life with. I have never looked for a short term relationship. I think of all relationships as possible long term and treat them as such, which in itself makes it more difficult to find someone in a sea of those looking for a hook up or a short term relationship.

Last is actually about my weight. I have been over weight since Jr High and I am more so now than I was then. I am not alone in this, I am actually the smallest of three brothers, at the moment, I do want to give them credit for the possibility that they could one day lose the weight as well. Being over weight from childhood comes with a nice self esteem issue that is hard to get rid of. The feeling when looking at a beautiful woman that she couldn’t possible see in you what you see in her. I know it is stupid, but it is hard to get rid of. It has been an on going thing in life that you end up beating yourself up about and you just hope you can turn into a positive motivating factor in changing things. I only have the outlook of a guy, and can’t possibly understand how a girl feels in the same situation, but I have to assume it is close to the same, and for any woman that might read this, I do mean beauty, not just physical attraction, when I talk about what I think of a girl I like.

Now that is all covered we can get to the point of this post. That might seem like a lot just to lead in, but it is all important to my point. It is because of these factors that I mostly stayed single through high school, and then only dated two people before the second became my wife. I was married to her for just short of 6 years and I am still not even sure how I ended up asking her out. I say that, I know how it all happened, I just don’t know how I did it. Plus, there was months of being friends and wanting to ask her out and getting closer to her and not knowing what to do and not knowing how to act and not being able to ask, then there was even the one time I did ask and she turned me down and I felt like my world would end. Until the divorce I would have marked the moment she said no the first time I asked my wife out as the worst feeling in my life, but then I got divorced and found out that there are so many more things to cause such more pain.

Following the divorce I became a single father and found myself being that same guy that didn’t seem to want the same thing out of finding a date as most of the people I knew, but now it was with less money, kids, age and a hair line that was a little farther back than the last time I had to do it. That was 7 years ago. I have been on a few good dates that went no where, I have been on several bad dates that didn’t last long enough to go anywhere. Through online dating I even found one girl that I called my girlfriend for a few months, but that ended, still for reasons I don’t fully understand. Worst was a girl I liked but strung me along and was just using me as someone to hang out with when she had nothing better to do, but never planned to let it turn into more.

For those that don’t know me, I settled into a job that is safe. I didn’t do this because it makes me a lot of money, or is great satisfying work, I did it because it pays steady and has good benefits and a retirement package. I would like to take the risks and build my career and find something I love doing, but I don’t, or can’t, do that right now. I am a single father, I own a house and I have two kids to feed. The job I work is considered a low income job, and it is, I make crap, but I know exactly how much I am getting and when all year long. So, I don’t have lots of extra, and we aren’t buying a lot of extras, but we have a roof, we have food, and we have clothes. Sometimes I am able to pull off a little more here and there, but I am covering the basics most the time. I look good on paper, good net worth and what not, but week to week I have to budget to get by.

Now all of the last 1200 words has been basically to explain everything that comes together to be the best guess I have for why I am alone right now. I am lonely, it isn’t like I am alone by choice. I really wish I could find someone to just spend some time with, hold hands and go for a walk. I just haven’t found it. I am not sure what I am doing wrong really. I speculated to a friend that if I just started showing my net worth and didn’t explain that I barely maintain my living with my income, I might get a girl, and we agreed that it wouldn’t be the kind of girl I would want. People ask you all the time what kind of girl do you want, one that makes me happy is the best I can come up with. I don’t care what she likes or dislikes. If she likes something I don’t or haven’t heard of, I would look forward in her teaching me about it or trying to tolerate it, and I would just hope she would do the same for me. Really I just don’t want to be alone anymore, and I just simply don’t know where to find her, what to say to her, or even if I could talk to her if I did.

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Posted by on November 4, 2014 in Reflection

 

Exercise

Now I am about to make excuses that will seem unreasonable, but I am working past them, so shut it.

When I started the whole exercising thing, I lived close to a popular walking/running area for where I live. It is a lovely little lake with a 3.4 mile paved trail running around it. All sorts of people walking, running, biking, walking dogs, playing at the parks and so on all the time. I hated it. That sounds odd, but I hated it. The reason I hated it, is the same reason I hate going to local gyms and other places designed for working out. This is simple, I live in a city with a major university and well that makes this all suck. These places are always full of these students that don’t need to fucking be there. Okay, maybe people that work on keeping it early should be there and should be encouraged, blah blah blah blah blah. I am not saying that I don’t have any problem seeing college girls in great shape working out either, I am male, I think that comes with the hardware. The problem is I am not even seeing sex at this point. What I see are these 18-mid 20’s college students, girls and guys, with perfect fucking bodies, barely wearing enough cloth to cover the parts that move when they do, running at even pace. Then I notice them as they then lap me once or twice and notice that they are barely breaking a sweat, they haven’t seemed to slow down, and they smiling like this is fun.

Why would this be an issue, and why do I hate them to my core for it, well that is simple, as they pass me for the second or third time, I am thinking in my head that I just am hoping to survive the 4 miles this trail requires me to finish and be alive at the end, I am only half way, nearing the 2 mile mark, and my shirt looks like I took a dip in the lake along the way I am sweating so much, and I stopped feeling part of my legs already. I am in no way smiling, the joyful spirit that was happy that I was getting out and moving jumped ship about half a mile back when the guy in my head that started calculating the point of no return (the point on the trail where it is shorter to finish rather than to turn around) kicked in. It is about the point of no return when I first think about if I wore the right socks or tied my shoes right to not get blisters, and as I am having that thought, Mr perfect abs and his girlfriend Miss perfect curve run past me for the second time in the running clothes they made with string and a few doilies, and I don’t even want to tell them that, cause they are too young to know what doilies even are.

Well a few months ago I moved away from the lake that I use to walk at frequently. I miss it. Now I live in a neighborhood that is not really near any solid trails or measured areas to walk. Worst of all there are no pretty college students to start my walk out looking at and end it hating. There is just me and the occasional person working in their yard. Sidewalk where there are sidewalks, but the traffic is calm enough to not need them where there aren’t any. I long for just having some noise, but really that isn’t what I miss most. I miss the college students. When you walk alone, and can’t find someone to walk with you regularly, you don’t get a lot of encouragement. What I hated about those college students the most is when they lapped me they gave me a smile or a simple nod. I hated that these people where out there to begin with, and then that they looked at me, cause a lot of them just look at you with this grossed out face, but the ones that worked, the ones lapping me, they always looked and smiled and nodded. They may not have been doing it intentionally, but they were encouraging me by simply recognizing me. I may not be able to get around several time in an hour, but I am trying.

That is the biggest reason I am not out there right now. My kids don’t care if I go walking or if I lay on the couch in my office and watch netflix. They get fed and the laundry gets done both ways. I am single, so I am not getting an encouragement from a partner, and I don’t really have anyone going with me. So I stand at a stand still where I wan’t to start with a small goal and walk a mile a day and increase that to real exercise, but I just feel like I don’t care, and like no one else does, so why should I. I should because of all the reason I have to, but I don’t because if I do it, no one will pat me on the back for it. I know that is stupid, but it is true, and it is the truth making me lazier than ever. I do not know how to work past it, but I will need to in order to get anywhere. I can break my diet down to under 1000 calories a day, but if I don’t burn at least that, what good is it?

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2014 in Weight

 

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Clothing

Our next stop on my train of depression that I want to talk about, in order to kick myself a little so to help to continue to motivate me more, is clothing. I would like to say this is about one type of clothing, but no. Let me apologize to anyone that reads this that does’t like the occasional curse here and there. I know I shouldn’t, but I type things as I think them, and there are a few things about this current subject that just brings that out in me, so ignore it or skip the next couple posts.

No, it couldn’t just be that my fucking shirts were getting a bit tight around the waist or that I needed to let my belt out a little. I first started noticing that maybe things with my diet and weight plan from the last year were going in a negative direction, when the belt I wear every day didn’t fit. Now I wear a cloth belt with a clasp, so there are not loops or hole to judge things by. Some days I wore the belt looser than others, so I was also use to the belt seeming to be a bit short, but I didn’t wear a belt for a few weeks during moving residence, because I lost my belt in a box somewhere, and when I found it and went to put it one, it didn’t fucking fit at all. I couldn’t get enough cloth into the buckle to make the clap close. That isn’t me feeling bloated or wearing a thick shirt, that is some extra fat came from somewhere and it is now attached to me, you stupid fat piece of shit.

Now I don’t mean to call me names, but I feel like I think of me that way, even though I don’t feel like that in real time.

Then my shirts, oh my shirts, my lovely old collection of shirts. I hoard shirts. I hold on to them as if they are made of gold. Probably because I remember what I paid for some of them and they might as well be made of gold. I have bought a good amount of clothing at thrift stores and gotten a few as gifts, but there are a lot that I paid store price for. I never worried much about it, I wore shirts that fit when I started the diet plan last year, and as I lost weight, I really liked my shirts being a little baggy, and no one seemed to mind around me, so why waste the money replacing any of them? I wouldn’t do that, no. In fact I liked how I looked in the slightly bigger shirts that I bought more shirts of the same size. Now when it comes to the t shirts of that size, I am still good. The material stretches a bit here and is loose a bit there, and it all kind of evens out, cause rayon and jersey knit are your friend! Remember that, they are your friend, if worn right, they can show every curve you want shown off and hide all the ones you don’t. When it comes to my other shirts, I am not so much happy. Buttons are evil! It would seem that I can’t button all my button up shirts anymore, and remember this is the size I was when I started the plan almost two years ago. I am bigger in size than then, and I hate myself for it. Still smaller in weight.

Last we come to my pants, and this may be my sore spot in all of this. I wore a size 36 pant coming out of high school, and I wore a size 36 for a really really long time. Marriage and desk jobs eventually got the best of me and I went up to a size 38, and I have been a size 38 for the majority of my adulthood. I only got big enough to buy one pair of size 40 pants once in my life. I bought the one pair and started this diet kick about the start of 2012. I almost immediately went back to a size 38. I even got down low enough at the end of summer in 2013 that I could fit in some of the more relaxed fit size 36 jeans I had around. Well that all use to be true, now I have been noticing that not only my belt was getting too small. The only pants I had that I even needed a belt for was those size 40 pants I bought in 2012, and now I was noticing that there was even some pants that I wasn’t wearing because they were getting a bit too tight. Because of a dress code change at work I decided I needed to have a couple pairs of new jeans, so I went to the store last night to buy the jeans. It was a depressing shopping trip. I wish I had just stayed home, but there is paint on the only jeans that I own that fit, so I needed to buy jeans. I decided to try on different sizes, and the size 40 pants was all that fit, and I couldn’t have been more pissed at me about it. I hate even the idea that I have to wear a size 40 jean now. The worst part of it, I am sitting here typing this wearing the new jeans, and I keep thinking how tight they are in places and now think I should go back and get a pair or two of relaxed fit in the same size for work. Fuck me!

 
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Posted by on October 31, 2014 in Weight

 

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Food

So I am still trying to get in the habit of writing stuff down again. It really does help, but it will also be easier once my office at home is all set up and I have a comfortable place to sit and type, since I don’t always find the time at work.

Food is what is on my mind today. I did a good job last year at changing my diet completely and holding myself to it in order to loose weight. In the time between then and now I let that slip quite a bit. I have remained more aware of what I am eating and making sure to diversify the food I am eating, and not just eating crap everyday, but I didn’t stick completely to the diet. There is some blame I put on the fact that healthier food is just more expensive and harder to make. There is also some blame to put on me for not trying harder to find the other options as well. The biggest issue I find myself having is portion control though.

When I started this all in 2012 the doctor put me on these wonderful little pills that made me stop eating when I was full, sometimes before I was. Appetite suppressors work great to help you eat a correct portion of food, but as those went away I have found it easier to eat more than to stick with the amount that I should be eating. The urge to just have something to eat or to eat more is just so over whelming. I stopped buying junk snack food and easy high carb stuff, and now I find myself late at night looking in an almost full pantry thinking how we just have nothing to eat. I don’t want to cook something, nor do I need to be, and I don’t want to eat a can of peaches, I want a fucking cookie or some popcorn, something that tastes great, likely has ten things in it that are killing me and making my diet not work, and will make me feel better and like I ate something.

I feel discouraged weighing myself, know junk food in the house, I go to bed hungry and find myself doing more chores just to stay active and not think about food, and then I’ve gained weight and pants that fit last week don’t this week. I know that I am going through that same thing I went through last time I started this crap where your body adjusts to more water, change in diet and exercise and you put some weight on before losing. I am fully aware that some people do that and IT REALLY SUCKS!!! I just want to be able to stand up without feeling my body weight not putting pressure on my back and hip causing a sharp pain, or to talk to a girl I am attracted to without being convinced that she has no interest in return because of my weight. I want my fucking shirts to fit and not have to go to work wearing them unbuttoned with a clean t shirt underneath. That style went out of style when I was in high school for everyone except fat guys that can’t afford new cloths.

Anyway, got side tracked there a bit. I am working on the food thing. I am not focusing on switching to full healthy food like I did last time, cause that approach simply didn’t work. It worked, but I wasn’t able to sustain it, so it didn’t. I am trying some other options, like making large amounts of food I like at home. I know I like ham, instead of buying deli ham, I am buying half or whole ham, and I can cook it myself. That is just one example, but it is a good one cause it is something that is affordable, since it provides several meals, plus I have full control over the seasonings, how it is trimmed and so on. It isn’t a perfect solution and I need to work on portion control as well, but it is where I am starting.

 
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Posted by on October 30, 2014 in Food, Weight

 

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Exercise and Diet Updates

As I said in my last post, I want to try to not make this all about exercise and diet, but I will have to include a lot of that stuff since I also need to use this as a way to keep me going. With all that in mind lets review the last year.

If you were to read back, don’t though, no need to dwell on the past when I was more positive and you know, and making progress, you would see in comparison from my last reports on weight and the progress box from myfitnesspal on the left, you would notice that I have gained back a pound or twenty from where I started. Really this came from a three fold issue.

First being that I had to stop taking the diet assistance pills from the doctor. I had reached a point where they were no longer helping me to loose weight, but where only really helping maintaining where I was. I am not a doctor, but from my understanding, I was just getting use to them too quickly. The weight I lost, I was able to keep off long enough to get the growth in muscle and bone that I was needing to loose the weight medically for anyway, so there seemed little option but to take me off them and maybe try again another time.

Second really is simple and comes down to me not watching my food intake. Slipping back into the old habits of eating too much here or too much of this instead of this. I think the only reason I didn’t gain more back was because of all the work I did to expand my diet to include so much more healthy foods before that, which I have kept some of that up and made it truly part of my regular diet, just obviously not all of it. Worst of all has been bouncing from soda to no soda to diet soda to regular soda and back again. I know the soda is bad, I really like it though.

Third was my not working out as much. I have had several reason for why I stopped walking as much as I was, I could list them, ranging from not having the right shoes to moving to a house with less close by walking areas, but it comes down to me getting comfortable not doing it. When I finally did it I got a new pair of shoes that work great for me for about $20 and every neighborhood has sidewalks and safe ways to get to them, it doesn’t have to be a walking trail. I know I could list several more if I stopped to think about, but they are just more excuses and have no more credibility.

I have stayed healthier and tried to stay at an active level, and that is doing me good, but these are the three issues I really need to focus on again.

 
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Posted by on October 6, 2014 in General Post

 

Back but Unsure

Hi, I don’t know who could possibly be reading this, but if you are, hi all the same. It has been over a year since I posted anything here.

I have been gone, not because I didn’t enjoy posting on here, but because I didn’t know what to post more than anything. I never wanted to stick to this or that. The chaos part was part of the idea, that I could post here about anything I wanted to post about. A journal entry here, a product review there, a random quote there. I just needed an outlet to get things out of my head that I didn’t have to tell to anyone, so I wanted to just tell them to the possible person that might read it.

I guess it became too much about something to me. I focused so much on my health and my weight that I didn’t know how to get out of the spiral and just start posting about nothing again. Funny thing that happened though, is that I stopped doing any of what I was talking about when I stopped talking about it too.

I feel like I don’t have anyone to really talk to about the subjects of weight and health that I just loose sight of it in my little world. Everyone is so sensitive about their own view on their own weight and health that they don’t even want to talk about it, and I start feeling like those I am closest to and want to talk the most to about the subjects are the ones that I have to walk on egg shells about the subjects so I end up just closing myself off to them and end up just giving up. I am unfortunately the kind of person that needs some reinforcement that what I am doing and where I am going is on track and that I am doing good. I need that friendly pat on the back when I lose that pound or walk that extra quarter mile, or I stop watching the weight or walking. I guess it is some codependency on others, but I don’t know that it is fully, since I didn’t really get feedback on here, but still felt the same by just telling it to the ether and just getting it out. I guess if any professionals in counseling come across this they can tell me what a codependency solved from a form of talking to myself is called in the world of increasing disorders is, I might get a better grasp on why.

What is clear is that I need to get myself motivated again with all of it, and I also find that when I am not talking about anything, not just this stuff, but all of my daily bs, that I tend to be more irritable and depressed, and I just need an outlet, so I am going to try to start back on the blogs.

I thought a lot about getting rid of the past blogs and starting a new, but I decided against that. I feel that the past is where I messed up and got off track of what I wanted this to be for myself, but I heard someone say that if you are OCD about something, or just need things to be perfect, and I definitely am when it comes to things like this, that you need to allow yourself to mess up. I see a lot of my past on here as a mistake, some a unclear path of where I was going, some just a disorganization as I developed how I would eventually want to tag posts and keep them in some order. So, I am going to allow myself to mess up, and I am sure you will hear about it again at some point. I am also going to try and just get rid of this defeated, no one reads this and I am going to point that out every post thing I do. I am going to just start talking to the ether, I have readers, as far as I know, and I plan to just continue talking to them, and not be concerned with how many or if any. I do this for the possible reader so that I can get things off my mind, I am going to try to not be concerned with the actual reader, and I can’t tell you how much I want to go back and correct every time I did that now just so that won’t be in the past either. Allow myself to fail, allow myself to make mistakes.

Well more to come, updates good and bad needed.

 
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Posted by on October 6, 2014 in General Post

 

My Junkyard: Part 3

Those days where things were just messy were not that long ago, but I now look at them as the better days than I have. What I mean by messy and what you mean by messy might be different outlooks. I have known many people who are all worried about their place being a mess, then when you get there they have the laundry out. If you are waiting for more, you will be disappointed, because that’s it. The worry here was literally that the clean laundry that they had out and were folding, made their house a mess. I don’t even know how to processes a model of how a person like this thinks. That at the very worst is an incontinence, and only if I had my heart set on sitting in the chair they had been putting the clothes that they had folded. When you come to my house and I say it is a mess, you will step on clothes, and they won’t be clean and I won’t be folding them. There is a likeliness that you will need to ask me the color of my carpet, that is if you wanted to know that information, because you won’t be able to see enough of it to really tell yourself. That coverage will not only be clothes, there will be boxes, toys, paper, wires, and an odd assortment of other items. This is actually a nice way of what I think of as messy. My apartment clean is still messy by some definitions I have encountered in my life.

Now back when this was still the norm, I would get upset at my boys for not assisting me more in cleaning up. After all a lot of the mess is theirs as well, but I may have been expecting more of them than they needed to be doing, although I do still feel strongly in them doing a lot of the work. This all changed almost two years ago, when I started having regular pain in my back. I didn’t realize why at the time, but I slowly started having trouble bending over to pick things up, and then increasingly wasn’t able to sit on the hard floor to do the work sitting either. Clothes and toys started going left when dropped or thrown on the floor due to my pain. Then last year I finally had my back fixed, but the surgery has again left me with mobility restrictions and lack in mobility required for cleaning. What I needed to do, but had failed to do, would have been to set up a real organized plan before the operation so that I could go home with some peace of mind, but I did not do that. Instead I relied on the help from my father, which he would have to stop giving, and from my kids, which is a lot like juicing a stone. With a lack in help and me not being able to do a lot of the work, my place has started to cross that line from messy to dirty. I am not able to keep up, which is not an easy thing to admit, so that is reason to give me a break.

I still don’t have a lot of people to help me, and I have found that a lot of it has to do with my age. In a lot of my post surgical requests and visits from friends and family, I do get a lot of reactions about how its been x many months, I should be at 100% and getting this all done. If I say anything to the contrary, I usually get something about how the young bounce back or how I’m only in my early 30’s. The fact that I had a back fusion and give a year recovery time for, at best case, seems to somehow be made better by my age. This stigma pushed upon me from others has actually made it much harder to find help to get basic things done. There have been days when I am in a lot of pain when I dropped something I needed, keys phone what have you, and I couldn’t pick it up because I couldn’t bend. I didn’t know what to do, and so I looked at it. I have stood outside hoping that a neighbor would walk out so I could rope them into picking that item up for me. This has resulted in a new problem that compounds the first.

While I was already no good at cleaning, but now I am no able to pick anything up that is below waist level. While I have had a couple different grabber devices, there are always things you can’t pick up or move when you are limited to 20lbs and no bending. This took me back into dangerous territory of blame. First my dad for not coming over anymore, and then my kids that are there have of every month but do not always help in the cleaning. I again have people to blame, but the problem is that they aren’t to blame. While they are to blame, the kids that is, for not doing the parts that are their regular chores and getting those done would help a lot, they are not to blame for the whole thing and they did not choose me or my issues, they just got stuck with me. Nor did they have a vote in the surgery, and how that was going to complicate their lives. I would think they would have voted against it if we went back and asked them.

Now my house is back in one of those states were it is just too messy for me to know how to deal with. I have been through the stages of my cycle of embarrassment over the last month and depression where I felt too over whelmed by the magnitude of all of it that I just don’t think I can do anything. My kids don’t know what to think when it is like this, but get mad at me for making or causing the mess, when it really is all of our mess, I’m just not doing what is necessary to keep things cleaned up. They have called me lazy and dirty and these sorts of things that from anyone else I would justify my actions and ignore them, but from my kids, that do live in the apartment, and do see me clean, but at the same time see this cycle of the mess coming and going, being apart of the clean up and then maintaining it, only to see it go back to the mess it is now. It is when I know that they think of me like this that I feel the worst. It also isn’t like all I do is sit around or lay around the house. I do spend a lot of time doing both of those for my back these days, but I am also active, in my work out, in scouts, in my job, in helping my parents, and most of all in things I do with my kids.

I don’t really know how to end this because I am at that point, but I don’t have any explanations or solutions to this problem. I started the up side of the cycle today, which I can always tell by when I start picking up and putting away all the laundry. Not just what I need to get through the next week, but everything that isn’t clean. I noticed that there is a few things of concern to me that push that line from messy to dirty and I am starting to feel really bad about myself for allowing it to get to that point. Getting it clean isn’t a given when I start the upside, it is just a possibility. If my motivation remains long enough I will get the place perfect, or get it at least to a point that I am willing to invite someone else in to help. I do fear getting to that point though. The point in which the place is clean and just sitting in my living room is like a drug, taking in the wonderful feeling of sitting in a nice freshly cleaned room, knowing that it can easily slip into a disaster. If I knew how to not only how to keep it from slipping into that, but to be able to be present and aware that it was happening, then I might be able to stop it completely, but I have never figured out how I can have such a disconnect in what I am doing to the environment around me until I have gotten it to a point of over whelming disaster.

The only idea I have come up with is to make a checklist to go through the house and check everything on the checklist, which might help make me aware and keeping it up, but then how long do I do this checklist? What keeps me from putting things off when I notice them? The other issue is stuff. I am so attached to so many things and I need to just start throwing it all away. I don’t know how to get over this minor version of my dads hording, but I feel if I don’t, I will never get away from this. For now I am going to do what I always do with my problems and struggles, I am going to work on them one step at a time and write as much as I can about them. I will be working on a checklist, while I get things cleaned up, and hopefully find my way out. Maybe someone will read this and give me a new tool that I hadn’t considered.

 
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Posted by on May 16, 2013 in Cleaning